Permission

I have kept a journal since my pre teen years. Back then, they were called diaries. I think the one sure way to get a young girl to stop writing in her diary, is to read it! It is a violation of privacy, kills any hope of trust that may have been formed between the writer and the perpetrator. This exact thing happened to me when I was just thirteen years old. I wrote about a boy from the roller-skating rink I crushed on, he kissed me, his hand ever so slightly trying to cop a feel of my size a cup boob! Come on, I was thirteen! Well much to my embarrassment, my older brother and my mom, found my diary and read it!

Needless to say, I didn’t write in a journal for many years after that, for fear of someone finding it and reading my deepest thoughts, wishes and disappointments. My journal became my therapy, and there was nothing that would stop me from writing my thoughts down.

Over the years, I have become lazy and have not written in my journal consistently. There have been times my journal has been my memory, and this has been invaluable to me. Like the day, I took my trusted journals to a cafe, spent a whole day re reading my life’s story. I laughed, I cried, I got mad! Most of all, I learned. I learned that in those pages, I put my worst fears, I wrote the ugly truth of my feelings, and I put all my trust in the pages of each and every journal. In my journal, words are not filtered, they are raw, true, and tell me exactly how I felt, when my memory has failed me.

Yes there are times when I don’t want to write a journal entry, write a blog post, and certainly there are times when I don’t want to talk about things. These are the times I need to give myself permission to just sit down and write. I have to tell myself that the housework can wait, the laundry can go without being done this instant, and yes it is okay to sit in the coffee shop for three hours, two lattes later, and maybe a snack!

This is the sunset from my writing spot at camp!

 

There are few things I ever allow myself to do that are a complete act of self indulgence, but writing is the most essential one of all!

I often tell myself that I am documenting my life, my family memories, my mistakes forever recorded for my daughter to learn by. I imagine her, when I am gone, reading through my journals and learning all the things about me that perhaps she didn’t know. I wonder, will she learn from my mistakes? Will she pause in her own life and question her own decisions? I don’t quite imagine it to be a scene out of “Bridges of Madison County”, but it will be my life. She will read about me from my perspective, and my one hope is that she finds perhaps my complexity is one of the greatest things about me!

I tell myself that I will write when I want to, even if it means staying up late, letting my daughter watch a movie when perhaps she could be doing something more constructive. I will tell myself it is okay to waste the day away in cafe writing whatever I want to write. You know what? I tell myself these things, and sometimes, I actually listen.

Thanks for stopping by!

Tannis