Monday, February 28, 2011

For the Love of Justin Beiber

I know, you either love him or you hate him. But please, stay with me for a moment!

I waited a week before taking my 10 year old daughter Haley to the new Justin Beiber, Never say Never movie. I waited a week to go because I did not want to wait in long lines, and be a part of tweens and teens yelling his name! I am glad I waited. I took my daughter and her friend, after dinner, and yes we did get there early and were at the front of a small line. The theatre was full, but we had good seats and waited patiently with our popcorn in our lap and our 3D glasses on our heads!

Haley looked at me a few times and told me how excited she was. Once she held my hand and looked at me. I am sure she was thinking that she has the coolest mom EVER!

I will say that before sitting through this movie, I liked Justin Beiber. I would never take Haley's CD (like I have taken others) to listen to on my own. But, I think he is talented, cute, a good Canadian boy, and he seemed quite respectable. I hated that a year ago in Haley's school, if you said you liked Justin Beiber, you were not considered cool. Well with girl power and U Tube power, this year the girls can safely say if they like him or love him, and not be judged! All the boys seem to hate him, I think it is jealousy, but hey, what do I know or remember about being 10?

Haley's Justin Beiber Calendar

I can remember being a pre teen and falling in love with my first band, it was The Scorpions. When my brother went out, I would sneak into his room and listen to his 45 records and albums and I always went back to The Scorpions. I knew nothing about them, but loved their sound, and fell in love with the sound of drums!

The Movie started and I looked at Haley and her friend, I looked around at all the girls, the moms and dads, the few boys in the theatre. And everyone was engaged in what they were watching. I watched my little girl's first musical crush get bigger and bigger, and I was so happy I decided to bring her. I wondered how many times she would watch the video once we bought it (she watched her Shania Twain video nearly every day). And then as Justin Beiber blurred for a moment, I remembered being a young 12 year old girl and falling in love with Prince as I watched Purple Rain, over and over and over again. I literally memorized the whole movie!

The movie was good, it was insightful, it was thought provoking, but hey, in the eyes of a young girl it was simply....dreamy! When we were driving home, I asked the girls what they thought the Never say Never of the tittle meant, just to see if they got that part of the message of the movie. They got it......follow your dreams, don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something, when you want something work hard for it. Then came the question I was not expecting......

What was your dream when you were young?

Hmmm, do we have to talk about this, because if I tell you, then you will know that I didn't live up to Justin Beiber's movie motto? But maybe I will tell you and hopefully because you are only 10, you won't ask me why I didn't follow my dreams.

So I took a deep breath and I told them that I had two dreams. I wanted to be a writer, or I wanted to be a National Geographic Photographer. Then I waited for it.

But they were lost in their own thoughts and only sweetly acknowledged with an "oh really" response.

I was on a Justin Beiber high for 2 days, talking about him and the movie more than Haley! I am ok with that, I still like him, maybe even more after seeing his movie, which I am sure was the intent!

It left me thinking about my own dreams and why I didn't follow them. It got me to thinking and wondering what Haley's dreams would be. How will I encourage her to follow her dreams? How will I help her to see how important it is to make sure you have a dream and make it come true? I look forward to her having big dreams, I just hope that she learns, that dreams change, they take many forms, sometimes it feels like a lifetime before you make them come true! Sometimes those big dreams can shrink in size, they take dedication and hard work and support. That there is the key... support. The love and staying power of family and friends who will always have your back, always help you to remember who you are and always offer a hand when you fall.

All of this from a Justin Beiber movie! If you have a daughter, or a niece or cousin that is a Justin Beiber fan, offer to take them, just so you can see it yourself and if even for a moment, remember your first musical crush. Tell me, who was yours?

Thanks for reading,


Thursday, February 17, 2011


This week I celebrated my 39th birthday. With this birthday, came some reflections of the past nine years.

I there a magical age that we reach, upon which we stop reflecting and stop thinking about all of our experiences which made us who we are today....and when we reach this magical age, do we only look forward, and only dream with intent for the future, never to look back?

My first response would be no, I guess it is only human nature to think of all of the roads, pathways and jumps that landed us where we are today.

I was having a birthday lunch with my friend Michelle, and I reminded her of a day nine years ago, my 30th birthday.

Me and Michelle at the beach
 On my 30th birthday, in my kitchen, during my surprise birthday party, I told my friends Michelle and Karen, that 30 didn't mean too much to me, I was looking forward to being 40! Something big was going to happen when I was 40. Then I announced that I could not imagine being with my husband for the next 10 years, I didn't want to be with him at all anymore.

Michelle didn't remember, I suppose because I didn't really say it with too much authority, maybe they were surprised I would say something like that. All I knew, is that I was not living the life I wanted, and I was not setting a good example for my daughter. I never had an example of a good marriage, didn't know what it looked like and didn't know what it took. I knew I didn't want her to grow up believing that my marriage was normal, or what she could expect. I wanted her to know me as a happy mom, a happy wife and a happy woman.

So fast forward nine years later, I am re-married and yes, she does know me as a happy mom, a happy wife and a happy woman. Michelle and I were talking about our homes and she made a comment that I don't have my dream kitchen, and it occurred to me, I have made choices that have put me in a position to possibly never have my dream home, but I am okay with that. As long as I have my dream life!

I may not have that second baby I always longed for, I don't have the house I dreamed of, but I have a wonderful husband, a great kid, a super step daughter, I am a stay at home mom and I am well on my way to having my dream life. I don't think there is an age that we need to  be to achieve that life, and I am certain it's not perfect. I imagine it will always have good and bad, and we will always have to compromise. But I think we will know we have it, when we know that we are where we should be, that we have learned from our mistakes, that we have joy in our hearts and a smile that is genuine and laughter all the time.

Perhaps nothing "big" will happen upon my 40th year, maybe it won't even be something good, or maybe I will be faced with a horrible challenge. Here is what I hope I will have. I hope I will have a loyal, trusting, and loving marriage. I hope that I will be the healthiest I have ever been. I hope my daughter still adores me when she looks at me, and my husband will know without a doubt that I am good and lovely and perfect for him at that moment in life. I hope that I will always reflect, so that I may be thankful that this journey of life has taken me where I am! I hope to have at least 3 fabulous friends that I know I can count on, and the shelter of a house and love to make it a home.

I hope that I am always strong enough to handle what comes my way, that I always listen to my "gut", that I never again fake happiness, and that I always accept that we can always change, always grow, and always be a better version of ourselves!

SO I ask all of you, are you now, or are you on your way to living your dream life? If not, what can you do to start?

Friday, February 11, 2011

When Panic Creeps In

There is a day that happened three years ago, that when I think about it, my chest tightens, my breathing becomes labored and my fists clench.

I was on a plane with my husband, and we were on our way to one of our favorite cities in the whole world, Vancouver, BC. We had smiles plastered on our faces, in anticipation of spending some time together and visiting friends. I was looking forward to the fresh smell of this wonderful city, the lively downtown streets we would walk, the ocean, the dinners, the window shopping we would do!

Then my mind began to wander. I started to think of my job and the stresses I felt on a daily basis. I thought of my lack of work life balance, and how that was beginning to take it's toll on  my marriage. I was thinking of my daughter, who often at that time was in so much turmoil. A turmoil we never understood fully.

I was so hot that I started to take off my vest and the scarf I was wearing. I was shaking and my heart was beating so fast that I thought I was having a heart attack. I wanted to punch the poor guy beside me, foul language was swirling around in my head and I was screaming inside. I was terrified I would scream out loud, so loud, and the flight attendants would restrain me.

I did the only thing I could do, the only thing my logical mind was telling me to do. I got up and went to the front of the plane. All my years working for Starbucks Coffee Company taught me many things, but I was never so thankful that they taught me how to be vulnerable. At this moment I needed to be vulnerable, as I walked down the narrow isle, I envisioned trying to open the door of the airplane, or breaking a window to some air. I just wanted to be able to breathe.

With all the courage and vulnerability I could muster, I told the flight attendant what was happening. I was terrified, embarrassed, and confused. They put me under an air vent.  I remember tipping my head back, letting my shoulders relax, my hair fall back and my eyes close. Within 5 minutes or so, I was fine, I could breathe.

At the time, I said nothing to my husband. He wondered where I went, why I got out of my seat in such a hurry.

I had to come home by airplane after that trip, but I have never been on a plane again.

Several months later, I would learn that what I experienced, was a full blown panic attack.

That was the beginning of how panic crept it's way into my life.

This will have to be a "to be continued" post, because I didn't realize how hard it would be to  write.

As always, thanks for reading.

Have a great weekend everyone!


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Blog Challenge - Why do I blog?

I have joined the Girl Geek Winnipeg blog challenge! It will definitely be a challenge for me at times, considering I am late already with my first challenge! I am not late because I found it a difficult challenge, but I have been busy with an all weekend craft sale! And the day after it was over, I was wiped out! I don't know what it is about these sales, but they are so draining! And I was lucky at this one because one day, my lovely friend had my daughter over at her house all day, which kept her from having to hang out behind a craft table all day. Also making it easier, was that my husband was with me, helping both days! He is very dedicated to helping me, and yes I am insanely lucky he puts up with it!

His daughter once said how weird it was, because you are always told that often girls marry someone like their father, and he married someone who was just like his mother! She is a crafter as well! But I take it as a compliment, she is a fabulous lady!

Anyway, I digress.

My blog challenge was to write a post about WHY I blog. The reasons are plenty actually and they are always changing. I started my blog as a personal challenge to me. To see if I could do it. Yes it took me a week to figure out how to put the Girl Geek Winnipeg badge on my blog, but I did it! Mostly I started my blog to have a space, besides my journal, to write. I can write anything in my journal, deep, dark, feelings, or those that are uplifting. My hopes, my dreams, my failures. I feel as though I can do that on my blog as well, except there is a difference to the way I write on my blog. I want it to eventually be written in a way that I am telling a story....My Story.

Which brings me to one more reason I started a blog. To practice the art of sharing me and my life. I may only be 38 years old ( I think that is correct), but much has taken place within my 38 years on this earth. Many of those things, I know, that if I share, someone out there will be able to relate with their own life, or to perhaps understand a little bit of the anomaly that is me.

Some of what I share will be shocking, some heartbreaking and some funny. There is a quote by Maya Angelou I love to live every day by, and that quote is "when you get, give, when you learn, teach" In my blog, I will achieve all of that. One day.

I started my blog also to help myself through a journey I began over a year ago, when I decided to quit working full time, and try and make the biggest difference I could in my daughter's life. Every day academically is a challenge for her, and every once in a while my husband and I learn what other things are her personal challenge and we deal with them. This journey is just beginning, it is hard, it is rewarding and it is so very much in the early stages. That journey in itself changes every day, as I realize that a happy family is only complete when we are all happy. We will not all be happy at the same time, but we need to be strong enough to hold each other up when we are having a bad day, a bad week, or a bad year. Nothing worth it comes without much hard work, determination and loyalty. The four of us together, I believe have all of that, and as a family we will be happy and hold each other up when one of us is leaning, falling, or crashing to the floor. We have done it already many times!

So those are some of the reasons I began my blog. Thanks for reading!