Saturday, March 24, 2012

Wanting to do it isn't enough! You have to NEED to do it!

Is there a need in you for anything? How can you nourish your curiosities and your wants and see what they grow into? If you do need something, how do you currently honour this need? How could you honour your needs in a small way today and every day this week?

These are questions my e group  is working on this week. Questions we ask ourselves each week to provoke us to discuss or write.

 Loving to act, vs. needing to act, loving to write, vs. needing to write. For me, I need to be creative. It could be baking, cooking, creating a new recipe, or writing.

It could mean crafting, creating a new scrapbook page layout, perhaps using colors that scare me to think of putting them together ( I am a bit matchy matchy). Being creative could be making a new journal, a new card. I "need" to do this almost every day. Being creative could also mean planting new flowers in my garden, growing an herb I have never grown before. It could also mean writing from the heart. A new blog post, a poem, a song, an essay, a piece that I think could be a great magazine article. I could write about the best sandwich I ever ate! Those are all things I "need". If only we could all live the glamorous life and have the time, money and resources to make the things we "need" easier to attain.

But there is another need that pulls at me, the one that scares me that freaks me out. The need to not be safe, not be so thoughtful, not be so careful! I always try to make the "right" decision, the logical one, and the one that is best for everyone. I think in my last life, I may have been a gypsy! Every 6 years or so, I feel the need to leave, to wander, to change. Sometimes I do, but as I get older, and build a life and a family, it gets harder. Right now I am fighting the need to move, leave, and start something fresh. Not start over, just maybe...I don't know, search for that thing that brings you peace. There is a much more eloquent way to say it; I just have not found it yet.

When we were travelling through the mountains last summer, we were leaving Kelowna, British Columbia and driving through the Kootenays. I said out loud that I was hoping to find my next "home".  When I think about what it would feel like, I think it would be a place surrounded by the beauty of the mountains, water, and a smell to the air that was clean and clear, a place that I have never known but would recognize when I arrived. A place where I can be close to nature, near beautiful surroundings, away from copious amounts of dust and traffic and severe weather. A place that encourages my creativity, makes me want for less in my life, but allows me the feeling of being rich in everything that matters. I desire a place that I could call "home" because truthfully, I have never known the feeling of home. Snuggling with my daughter, breathing her in, cradling her warmth, is the closest feeling to "home" that I have ever felt.

Then I consider what it would take to leave, to be in search of. It would mean leaving my aging mom, leaving my family (which is so dysfunctional, but still mine), and taking my daughter out of the close proximity of her biological father. Leaving my friends, and the people I enjoy being around, keeping in touch with.
This, above the need for anything else I need, is a need that gnaws at my ribs, plagues my mind, and breaks my heart, every day. It leaves me wondering, do I need too much?

Tell me, is there a "need" in you that you are not honouring?

Thanks for stopping by!


p.s. if the above questions interest you and you would be interested in exploring A Year of Questions, please click on my link for Writing Our Way Home. It's a wonderful place to be!

Monday, March 19, 2012

108 Sun Salutations

This Tuesday in my yoga class, we are going to be completing 108 sun salutations. Yes count them, 108. We think our yoga instructor may be a little crazy! She's not, she is in fact really great. She is 40 something and in awesome shape! She looks great, and I aspire to one day look like her. I once looked like her, when I was, like 18 years old. But that is not the point.

What is my point exactly? Well, I don't know. I just love  my yoga class and wanted to share with you what we were doing.

The first time I ever tried yoga, I was pregnant. I had the bright idea that my friends should try a yoga class, being offered at a local community club. I guess we didn't have "google" then, because I should have "googled" yoga and learned that a pregnant lady trying yoga for the first time, may just not fit into this class. It was a bust! I spent every class laughing at myself, which caused my friends to laugh at me, and I am sure we interrupted the class and made many people angry. Oh and then there was the time during shavasana (corpse pose), that I actually drifted off. Not my finest moment, but come on, I was pregnant!

I remember loving yoga though and after having my baby and going through a divorce, I needed something to hold on to, so I started yoga again. I have done it off and on for nearly six years, but this time, I enjoy it so much more. Perhaps because I am more connected to the idea of yoga and all of it's benefits.

I am getting my mind ready for our 108 sun salutations, and I am sure it will be the one night I actually sleep (which I am looking forward to more than you can imagine!). What is the significance you ask? Well, as I understand it, the 108 sun salutations is this...Every year on the spring/fall equinox (depending on which hemisphere you are in) yoga practitioners from around the world gather in local Global Mala events to celebrate and demonstrate unity and peace for World Peace Day.

         Shiva Rea, who began Global Mala, says this is where the significance of 108 comes from:
Renowned mathematicians of Vedic culture viewed 108 as a number of the wholeness of existence. This number also connects the Sun, Moon, and Earth: The average distance of the Sun and the Moon to Earth is 108 times their respective diameters. Such phenomena have given rise to many examples of ritual significance.
According to yogic tradition, there are 108 pithas, or sacred sites, throughout India. And there are also 108 Upanishads and 108 marma points, or sacred places of the body.
I suppose the reason does not ultimately matter that much. I know I can do it, I am a little worried that too many chaturangas will kill me, but I know my mind will conquer! It is going to feel great to be with a great group of women, and great instructor, and just do something that we all at first thought, "wow, she is crazy!"
Photo thanks to Yoga Journal

You know what else I really love about yoga? I love the secret little weapon I have against non yoga people, who think it's not "real" exercise. I love the way I have muscles that hurt that I didn't even know existed, I love that I can power my mind over my body, and I love that I can do things I never thought I could. I may not be able to run a marathon, lift much in weights, no wait, I can do that, I just don't want to. If you have to exercise, it should be something that feels right, feels good and has physical and mental benefits, makes you sweat and makes you energized and tired at the same time. Yup, that's exercise.

So, 108 sun salutations, here I come, wish me luck! I really hope we can do it in under 2 hours too!

Friday, March 2, 2012

Your Bitterness Momentarily Burst My Bubble

Have you ever met someone who is full of biterness, gives a fake smile when they do decide to smile, and generally is just a bit negative and miserable? Do you let them affect you in a negative way? It momentarily happened to me last week, and I hate that I let it take the shine away from something that should have gone completely different.

It is no secret to alot of people who know me, that I love to write, I love to be creative. I write many things, and have many different avenues for expressing myself. I blog, I journal, I submit writings online to forums, guest blog posts. I take writing courses, join writing groups, and I submit and share poetry online as well.

What I really want to do, is be published in a magazine. I love magazines, and I would love to one day go to a magazine rack, and see my story published in print, in a magazine I love. This is not easy to do if you are just starting out, if you have never officially been published before, in print. Sometimes online writing counts, sometimes not. The editing process is what counts.

I have said it before, but this leaves me feeling like a fourteen year old girl who is looking for her first job, but no one will hire me without experience. Then I ask myself, well how can I get experience if no one gives me a chance!

We have a small community newspaper here in Winnipeg, each area has their own publication. I was advised to try and get myself published into that small paper, as somewhere to start. And so I did!

I sent in a story, he liked it, he printed it. Only I didn't know when it was going to be printed. I got a phone call from someone who I know as an aquaintence of a friend of mine. She read my article, was upset about what I had said, and thought she would call to....I am not sure. Perhaps she intended to ask me a question, or complain, or accuse me of something. It ended up just being a conversation, and I am happy with the way it turned out. The kicker is, she read it online, and I didn't even know it was going to be in print that day.

So here it is, I finally got something in print, and I let her take away my joy for having done that. I didn't have the heart to tell her that what I wrote (volunteering being an important part of our community), was not even something I was passionate about! I only wrote it as a topic to get into print. I suppose I could tell myself that it must have been good enough to come across as being something I was passionate about. It could also be that it hit a nerve with her. Either way, does that mean that it was well written?

Normally I would have sent an e mail to my friends, posted the link on my facebook, and shared my excitement, asking them to share in it with me as well. Instead, because of her phone call, I was aware that people in my community may have been offended with the truthfulness of my article, I decided not to do that.

I have no regrets for what I wrote, it was the truth. I am proud for having taken the chance to submit something to a stranger, having no idea if it was even good or not. It also gave me the high to just keep on writing and submiting and being ok with the fact that people won't always like what I have to say, they may not share my opinions, but in the end, I am writing, and that is the one thing I do JUST for me.

If you would like to see what I wrote, please take a look here at this link , and if you do read it, thank you for taking the time!

Have a lovely weekend!