There it is my word for 2014. I’ve never done it before, chosen a word.
Sure, I’ve set goals, had New Year’s resolutions, set intentions. This year, I chose a word.
One Word, which will guide my year.
Here I was mere days ago and I had two words. Somewhere, several months ago, a word was whispering in my ear, tapping on the windows of my soul. I could hear it, but I felt my heart was too heavy, my soul too dark to see. This word had me searching and wondering.
Oh she was driving me crazy, this word, as I pushed her away. I was not ready for her.
That was it. I was in search of beauty.
I questioned her, this word. What beauty? Mine? Wasn’t I beautiful? I thought I was.
It’s not that kind of beauty. Is it the beauty of my surroundings? Where I live? I don’t know, but I am certain she will present herself to me again.
My other word...Brave.
Brave. This word scared me. It made me cry, it gave me hope. It was a word that didn’t leave me wondering or searching.
It is the word that made me feel. As I sat with my dear friend sharing lunch, my eyes welled with tears. I felt as though I was going to burst, trapped in this body and mind and life that didn’t seem to even belong to me!
That is how I knew that Brave was going to be my word.
In and amongst all of my smiles, my goings on, my creativity, my new projects, my darkness, it was the word that helped me to “feel”. I have joked that I am dead inside, that my heart always feels broken. But it’s no joke, I don’t remember when my heart didn’t feel broken and I do feel dead inside.
I am not being authentic to myself. I will drop everything I am doing to help others I will help you with anything you want, need, or desire. If I help you, I don’t have to help me, I don’t have to take care of me.
Don’t get me wrong here.
I am not weak, I am strong.
I am confidant, I am smart, and I shine.
I have moments of bravery and taking chances. But they are only moments.
I am not meek or wimpy or frail.
I am a rock star inside. I am wild, I am artistic and creative.
But I only show glimpses of me and I won’t let you in unless I trust you.
I guard myself well.
When I do this, I don’t write what is truly inside, I don’t speak my heart, just my mind.
I remain trapped, and I don’t breathe fire.
So my word is Brave.
I have not been brave as of late. I have not had the important conversations, for fear of what will follow. I have procrastinated in the workings of my dreams, for fear of those that will get left behind.
Brave...I will dream BIG and spat fear in the face.
Brave so that I may let the artistic, creative me show every day and I will be ok with it, even when others are not, and I will be unapologetic.
It won’t come quickly and I am good with that. I am thankful for the grace given to me, allowing the word to resonate within me and my life.
Here is the wonderful part.
Two words, is what I started with.
I said to myself, “how can I decide? Universe, speak to me! What shall my word for 2014 be?”
And it came to me...”Brave” the universe said to me. “Tannis be Brave and you will find Beauty.” It wasn’t a whisper, it was fierce and loud.
One word, but in the end, there will be two that collide.
Brave and Beauty will crash into each other and the aftershock of that force will be me, and my life of 2014.This particular version of this song reminds me to be free, to be wild, to live unapologetically, to sing aloud, “don’t fence me in!” to no one at all but myself!
Thank you so much for stopping by, for reading and I hope that you will come back.