Today I feel like a child learning to swim. The only thing I can manage today is the doggie paddle.
Today, this kid doing the doggie paddle is getting so tired from being over exerted, is ready to stop, and can’t breathe. Today I feel the fear inside that kid, who wonders, what will happen if my arms stop paddling, if my legs stop kicking, if my head goes under water? Will I drown, will I find my strength to keep going. Will vim and vigor kick in at the last moment?
I will be off to yoga in less than an hour and I will hear the words of my yoga instructor telling me to clear my mind, connect with my breath; let the stress of the day go. I may hit “publish” today to this post; maybe it will be in a day or two. Whenever it is, I hope that I no longer feel like I am treading water for survival, I hope I am gliding, arms stretched, sun on my face, head under water, then head up again, breathing with ease.
Today, while I am trying to connect with my breath, will I be thinking of the weight of last week upon my shoulders? When I close my eyes, will I see the look on my daughter’s face, when the arguments of the day became too much for her and she slid down her locker to the school hall floor to have a good cry? Will I remember her disappointment in not attending the spring concert because we just could not get past the day’s events... the prior week’s events... the meltdowns... the frustrations? Maybe I will connect with the hard pit in my stomach, the lump in my throat or the guilt in my heart.
Perhaps writing these words will be enough, and in the days ahead I can refocus. Find that vim and vigor.
Last night we went to the library. My books of choice were, Organizing the Disorganized Child, The Homeschooling Handbook, and Solve Your Childs School Related Problems. Not exactly easy reading, is it? I know I won’t possibly get them all read in the time I have them on loan from the library. I know I will not possibly be able to retain all of the information in the pages of these books. I know that chapters will go unread, of things we have tried, milestones we have achieved, accomplishments met, things still yet out of reach. I will look at the book on my bedside table, the one I wish I was reading, and the one I wish I could get lost in.
Another day, perhaps.Treading water, doing the doggie paddle, sometimes it’s the best we can do, and that is ok.
I am about to hit the “publish” button on my blog, and all the while thinking....I said I wouldn’t do it. I would not vent on my blog, I would not be negative, and I would not use my blog as a “friend” when I thought none would understand. But you know what? Sometimes, when all you can do to keep your head above water is flail your arms and kick your feet, survival instinct has to kick in, and you just have to do whatever it takes to endure. Because if you don’t, you just won’t survive it!
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