What Keeps Me Up at Night - Story Unfolding 101

*What keeps you up at night? What could you talk about every single day for the rest of your life? What do you want to shout from the rooftops so everyone will know? What runs electric through your veins?

What keeps me up at night? Seriously?

What doesn’t keep me up at night?

Photo Via Pinterest

I don’t sleep much, or well. So the fact that I can’t sleep, keeps me up. Fear of insomnia taking over my life once again, keeps me up. People use the word insomnia too much. I think I likely did as well, until I actually had it, and sleep would not come to me, not at 1 am, not at 3 am, not a 5 am. Never. Finally I would nap some afternoons, for short periods of time. Insomnia, you know when you have it, and it is dreadful!

What keeps me up at night?

Conversations I ought to have or would like to have, will keep me up. Thinking about marriage and friendships, keeps me up at night.

Story ideas keep me up at night.

Songs stuck in my head keep me in a state of consciousness.

Oddly enough, ways in which I can meet and have dinner with Prince keep me up at night.

If you tell me to think about ice cream flavors to help me get to sleep, instead of counting sheep, now THAT, keeps me up. DO you know how many ice cream flavors you can think of? Remember the ice cream in a cone shape plastic cup, it was pink and had a gum ball at the bottom, and you ate it with a wooden stick spoon? What about the Canadian Mint Bar or Strawberry Shortcake? Oh and pudding pops! See what happens?

My brain does not shut the fuck up!

This writing prompt does not help me, and it even kept me up one damn night!

Now what could I talk about every single day? Again, some would say Prince. Weird, I know. Others would say my daughter, my cat, the crappy service you get from people in retail stores.

I know where this writing prompt is meant to go, what it is supposed to inspire in me. It doesn’t.

Here is the thing. Something that moves me, or something I am passionate about, it is not something tangible.

It is a feeling.

It is a deep, unbending need that gnaws at me every day, a need that I push into those deep crevasses.

It’s a feeling of home, of family (not necessarily the traditional sense of family). It is a place of belonging.

That is what it is, that ignites me, what I want to shout from the rooftops. This feeling I search for and long for, that I am scared I will die without feeling it.

A feeling of love and warmth, closeness, kindness, tenderness, sharing, caring and an absolute unvarying, sum of exchange.

Love that is given and returned on the parity,

A place of solitude, peace and tranquility,

Beauty,

Trust,

And Adoration.

Thanks for stopping by!

Tannis

Questions Answered - Story 101

Something interesting was presented to us in my Story 101 class, a group of questions for us to answer, adapted from Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way. I have not read the book yet, but it is on my list. I do know it is a book that has helped many people discover–and recover– their creativity. It's a book for those wishing to experience more creativity in their lives.

I like this idea, I have seen it on other blogs in their "about" page, a list of things that readers may find interesting to know about the blogger, or a way to get to know them better.

I always thought that two of the things I would list if I was to do this kind of "about me" page would be; a phobia I have: grasshoppers! What can you always be guaranteed to find when you come to my house: my vacuum in the middle of the floor in one of  my rooms! I have 4 pets so I vacuum up to 3 times a day most days. I like to have it handy. Granted, having it in the middle of the kitchen or living room is not ideal, but it's handy if I find a fur ball!

Anyway, I digress. So here it is, I wanted to participate and blog the answers to the questions listed for us.


1. My favorite childhood toy was...
Cats! I know they are not a toy, but I would go into the closet when I had a cat who had babies, (and yes it happened often!) and I would grab my moms knitting needles and pretend to be their teacher! I would use the knitting needles to point at the one who should answer the questions! Weird I know. Barbie's were a close second!

2. My favorite childhood game was...
Monopoly or hide and seek.

 3. The best movie I ever saw as a kid was...
E.T. It was my first movie in a theatre. When I was 10 or 12, I can't remember, Purple Rain became THE movie that would change my life. So dramatic, I know, but it's how I felt at the time.

 4. I don't do it much but I enjoy...
A good food fight! Me and one of my brothers were famous for our food fights!

 5. If I could lighten up a little, I'd let myself...
Give in to taking risks!

 6. If it weren't too late, I'd...
Travel the world, living in other countries for a time and moving on.

 7. My favorite musical instrument is...
I don't play an instrument, but I love the sound of the drums, and piano. Also the acoustic guitar.

 8. The amount of money I spend on treating myself to entertainment each month is...
Good question. Coffee is a big one for me, craft supplies, baking supplies, travel to Prince concerts, yikes, it's a good thing I don't really keep track.

 9. If I weren't so stingy with my artist, I'd buy her...
Her own studio with lots of windows, natural light, and a view to die for!

 10. Taking time out for myself is...
writing, sitting still in nature and staring, swimming into deep water.

 11. I am afraid that if I start dreaming...
I may finally take a risk that would change the course of my life forever.

 12. I secretly enjoy reading...
I don't "secretly" enjoy anything, but I do love to read books that sometimes are a bit easy to read, with a good story, the ones you can finish in a day if you took the time. I do have an addiction to magazines. If I had the money, I would buy one of every magazine on every topic. But then I would need the time to read them all. I have piles of magazines I have not gotten to, or that I save for that one story I wanted to re read!

 13. If I had a perfect childhood I'd have grown up to be...
Oh, the list could be endless, a rocker chic, a better wife, a photographer for National Geographic. Or I would still be me, just the way I am. Childhood made me who I am, but it didn't keep me where I once was. Change and growth, can be a beautiful thing!

 14. If it didn't sound so crazy, I'd write or make a...
I would write a self dictated Biography of Prince. I find him fascinating, and would love to know his musically genius mind.

 15. My parents think artists are...
I have no idea what my mother would think artists are. Perhaps I should ask her.

 16. I believe God thinks artists are...
People who reach the souls of others.

 17. What makes me feel weird about this course is...
Opening up to strangers.

 18. Learning to trust myself is probably...
The best thing I could ever learn to do.

 19. My most cheer-me-up music is...
Anything that makes me move, dance and be silly!

 20. My favorite way to dress is...
This is a loaded question, because I do not dress in my favorite way. I have no idea how others would view how I currently dress, I have been told I am classic in my style. My favorite is Bohemian. Not that I would ever need to wear one, but I would love to be able to pull off a gown and heals!

There it is. So people who know me, did you learn anything new?

Wow, I encourage you to jot this down for yourself and answer the questions, the answers came so much easier to me than I thought!

Have a great day and thanks for stopping by!

Tannis

Minneapolis, Prince, 3rd Eye Girl and a Police Officer!

I grew up with a rather eclectic exposure to music. I am the youngest of four kids, so I listened to all varieties of music in my formative years. When my older brother would go out with his friends, I would sneak into his room, and play his vinyl records. My favorite, were the 45 rpm records because then I could really listen to an assortment before he came back home! His collection was bountiful, but my favorite of his was The Scorpions, The Rolling Stones, Sly and the Family Stone, Genesis, Queen, David Bowie, Springsteen. Then there was the taste of my sister, more than 15 years older than I am, that influenced me. These, being the likes of Lionel Ritchie, Pat Benatar, Joni Mitchell, The Police, and Cheap Trick. Like I said, eclectic!

I found my own likes, by the time I was 10, but there came that pivotal moment when I discovered Prince. Wow. I was blown away and in love forever! I went through my hard rock, heavy metal phase for a while, being the rocker chick that I am! My tastes narrowed to some favorites, still to this day in The Doors, Van Morrison, U2 and Aerosmith. But the one constant was Prince.

After finally seeing Prince for the first time in his Welcome to Canada tour, my view on attending concerts changed. You can read about that here if you like, in my post "Prince, You Still Rock My World". Then, not even a year later, I travelled to Chicago to see him again, and you can read about that here if you so desire, in my post "Prince Welcome 2Chicago, My Personal Review"! Needless to say, I was hooked! Recently I went to see Bon Jovi with a friend. I do love me some Bon Jovi, his music is classic and he sounds great live. Here is the thing though. I have seen him twice, the first time, in an outdoor venue, and it was a blast! The second time was with a friend who ADORES him. During the concert I waited and waited. What was I waiting for? That mind-blowing feeling that comes over you, when you are feeling the music with your heart, transported to a place that is for a moment in time, nameless. I waited for that moment to resonate in my soul, dancing, clapping and lost in time. I danced, and clapped and had a great time, but the rest never happened. Seeing Prince live, ruined me for everyone else!

First Avenue, where Purple Rain was filmed!

I have to tell you though, on May 25^{th, 2013} at the Myth in Minnesota when Prince and his new band 3^rd Eye Girl took the stage, I was in seventh heaven! My new found twitter friend that I met up with, well he knew the first 3-4 songs that Prince was going to play. ("Let's Go Crazy", followed by "Endorphin machine, and "Screwdriver")  I’m glad I wasn’t that aware of his previous set list from the other shows on this tour. I read them, but didn’t memorize them, and so it was a nice surprise for me when he began his fourth song, “She’s Always in my Hair”. You see, I had this little dream come true, and somehow ended up with a special wrist band that got me up close, right at the stage. I could touch the stage. So when he began with “She’s Always in My Hair”, I think my eyes actually glazed over, for the first of several times that night, and I was misplaced. I was lost in pure emotion and pure feeling of enjoying the moment, etching it in my brain, to hold close in a place I can recall again and again if I like.

When Prince had Bobby Z, his drummer from the Revolution days, come on, applause erupted, with such an explosion of gratitude and love. Prince moved to the keyboard for this song, and I know many of my Prince friends will disagree with me here, but sometimes for this song, that is exactly where I like him. Especially this night, with Bobby Z on drums, with kind, caring, loving words spoken to Bobby, it would just not have had the same effect if he was on guitar. When you see Prince play guitar on this song, he himself seems to get lost and transported to his own place. I think being on the keys, allowed Prince to be present and speak his heart, giving us a glimpse of something that his fans don’t often see, the personal part of him.

This was not a concert of “hits” and I knew it wouldn’t be, which is one of the reasons I really wanted to see him and 3^rd Eye Girl on this tour. This band he has is on fire! Donna Grantis, his guitarist, is remarkable. She tears it up on that guitar; you can feel her passion and is the epitome of my version of a true rocker chic! And she’s Canadian, so of course I am proud of her success based on her citizenship right away! There were times, I fought between looking at Prince and her, and I love to look at Prince! I loved that there was not a whole team of backup singers and dancers to distract my attention from the amazing band he has, but I did miss seeing Prince take control of the stage with his dance moves, jumping off the piano, showing us his sexy ass and all the rest that comes with his larger venue performances! He certainly did have control of the stage in that super conductor way that he has though, queuing his band when need be.

 He continued the rest of the show with Free, I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man, Guitar, Plectrum Electrum, Fixurlifeup, I Like it There (Oh my gosh, I didn’t think I could find him sexier!), So Far So Pleased, The Max and Laydown. I may be missing something, but those are the ones I know!

The bouncer in the VIP area mentioned to my friend that Prince will likely pass him the guitar during the performance. That didn’t happen because maybe we were not in the right spot at that moment in time, but he did get to touch it, and that was a highlight for him I know! The same bouncer also told us when Prince left the stage that he would not be back again, and that he looked very pissed off at something. I am not sure that was true, and I wish he never would have said it, because in my mind it was a perfect night, and I hope nothing annoyed him enough to walk off the stage abruptly, but alas, the night was over.

I know one of these wrist bands allowed me
 in the VIP section. And free
drinks, but I was NOT leaving my spot to get anything!



I need to say this, I really do. I have always wanted to see Prince in a smaller venue, thought I would NEVER have a chance to see him play live while I stood at the foot of a stage. But this night, I got both. Being that close, and watching him, I have been trying for two weeks to put into words, but they have not really come to me yet. I was so close that I could see the fabric of his clothes, the individual tassels on his vest. I could see his face, his makeup, and his hands. I am sure there were moments I stopped dancing just to look at him, I was so in awe. Then something happened. I saw him, and I saw for the first time that he was just him. Just Prince, in all his genius and his success, and his fame, I was seeing him as a man.  I had to wonder, with as private as he is, as eclectic as he is, and as brilliant as he is, perhaps it’s because his ego has taken pause and he feels just like that, he is just him, just a man doing what he loves to do?

A few months ago, I wrote down a few of my goals, for the year, and for the upcoming 5 years. Now laugh if you will, but one of those things I put on my short list, was to see Prince in a small venue (I was thinking more like the Dakota shows he did), and to be right AT the front of the stage. It happened, perhaps I should make a new list, and on that list one of the things should be to meet Prince? Actually meeting him would mean nothing to me, I don’t care so much to shake someone’s hand and engage in a small greeting. It doesn’t do anything for me. But dinner or a conversation....oh a girl can dream can’t she?

I think Prince need me to come to Paisley Park and build him a flower garden!

I do have a bit of a creepy, funny bit to my visit to see Prince live in his hometown. I figured since I drove the 8 hour drive to get there, I may as well drive by his recording studio, Paisley Park, just for the photo opportunity! As we parked our vehicle illegally and rather creepily by his gate entrance to quickly run around to the front to snap a photo, the police were driving by, swung around and came to check what was going on. Luckily he was nice, and said he was just checking why the vehicle was there. I assured him I was not doing any harm, just wanted to take a picture, and we would be on our way. I thought later that I should have asked him if I could take his photo, all I got was a shot of his car in the side view mirror. My daughter did the whole hand to forehead slap thing, and I told her we would do the same if say BEP or

Sorry Mr. Police officer, Sorry Prince!

Shania Twain or someone she really liked lived in a city we drove all the way to visit.

Ahh, good times, good memories, lovely feelings! Thanks Prince and 3^rd Eye Girl for a great weekend I will never forget!

Thanks for stopping by!

Tannis

Prince Welcome 2 Chicago, My Personal Review

I just returned from a trip to Chicago to see a Prince Concert. It was my second time seeing Prince in concert and my second visit to The Windy City. I am not a music critic, thank goodness. On the heels of a concert performed by an artist as high calibre and with such a large following of fans as Prince, I would not want that job. I did however read many, if not all, of the reviews, and I have to say, more interesting than the reviews themselves, are the comments that people leave. I have read attacks on the writers that are discourteous and un-called for; I have read such malicious and spiteful things people have said to each other in response to sound issues of the first Welcome to Chicago show. Mostly, I have read merciless words about Prince himself. It makes me wonder how people feel they have the right to say such things, about anyone.

I read once that Prince does not like to read reviews written by people who don’t actually have musical ability or can’t offer an opinion or criticism that is not about the music itself. I don’t know if that’s true, but here’s the thing. Prince doesn’t need feedback or criticism or advice on his craft. He is a master at what he does, he continues to perfect what he does with each day, he is not new to this people!  And who are we, to judge a musician on his expert abilities, even if you are a musician yourself? I can’t imagine that anyone could offer an iota of feedback, criticism or best practice that Prince has not already thought of on his own.

Music is emotional. It is emotional for everyone, no matter what color your skin is, what God you believe in, what country you reside. You cannot dispute that, and if you do, then you should stop reading now, because the rest of what I have to say is based on emotion, not expertise.

The House of Blues and a Prince Sighting!

In the wee hours of the morning on Monday September 24, 2012 (which technically was the next day right?), I read that the concert on that Monday, was a bust. People were mad. I am not going to go into detail, because it was already written many times over by real music critics and real journalists, paid to write the story. What I cared about at the moment was what happened or rather what didn’t happen that night at the House of Blues. I cared, because I had tickets for that venue and I had expectations. I was there. I could write in detail about how disillusioned and how sad I was, that I didn’t get the show I wanted to see that night, instead, I am going to tell you what I did see of Prince, what I was a part of that night.

I could have done without the cocaine sniffing guys in front of me, but you know what, they were so entertaining to my friend and I, and nice enough guys, that in the end, they were a part of a great night. I could have done without the drink that had so much alcohol in it, my throat burned as I sipped it. I could have done without spending the money I did and the loss of sleep I endured to see a performance that did not pierce my heart with the love and inspiration that I was so anticipating.

Here is what I did love. The DJ played music from the 80’s, with videos and music by Prince, the Time, Sheila E, even Eddy Murphy’s, Party all the Time, and I danced and danced! There was a Prince Song/ video playing and I happened to look to my left to see a woman come onto the dance floor, hand cupping her wide open mouth, her eyes bright as she looked up at the screen. I knew in a split second, that she was going to be fun, and that she had just as big a crush on Prince as I had. Turns out, Jennifer was a blast and the cause for the loss of my voice that night.

Here is a cool thing, there was a point in the night when someone said to look up in the balcony and we all obeyed. There, above us, people watching from the first balcony, was Prince, in his cool dude shades! He was just taking a peak, and gave everyone a wave!

photo from Welcome to Chicago photo book

 

Andy Allo played that night, with an amazing band, mostly the NPG and I have to say, “People Pleaser” has been stuck in my head ever since. From where I was standing, I could see Prince, in the back corner, bopping his head back and forth. Just standing there, bopping, and watching with pride and likely his own crush, Andy Allo and the band, rocking the House of Blues. It was so great to see, this nearly private moment, as he witnessed his protégé taking over the audience. I will never forget that moment. It was evident to me that he clearly is the ideal illustration of a mentor, a leader, and a teacher of all things he is great at. Prince never did take the stage that night to delight us and get our hearts beating faster, not more than to come on stage to apologize for the police shutting the place down because it was nearing 4am. There it is, can you actually hear my heart breaking? I assure you, it did.

Who is the Spotlight for Anyway?

Now that a few days have passed, I can validate in my mind, why he didn’t come on stage sooner to perform. I know a little about being a perfectionist. He indisputably is a perfectionist and I ask myself this about his first show that week. If I was a musician, performing for 20 thousand fans, expecting perfection, and a sound system failed me, how pissed off and disappointed would I be? For a perfectionist not to have control over such a vast dynamic in their performance would be devastating, frustrating beyond belief, with regret carried on your shoulders of the 20 thousand fans bewildered. If it was you, would you recover quickly enough to perform at an after party? Perhaps it never was his intention to perform at said after party, maybe his intention was always to hand the spotlight over to his protégé. Either way, only Prince and his band know what happened, beyond that, you can’t change the night.

The Welcome 2 Chicago Performance, Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Photo via facebook

Being the true Prince lover I am, all was quickly forgiven the next night at the concert, as he rocked us all into a breathless lull with his rendition of some beautiful songs, Sometimes it Snows in April, She’s Always in my Hair, I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man. Then of course the surprise of Jennifer Hudson, singing her heart out with him to Nothing Compares 2 U. It was powerful!  As always, hearing Shelby J is an amazing experience, even if this particular night, she didn’t sing on her own too much. Cassandra O’Neal, has me appreciating the keyboards more than ever, Elisa Dease, is so soulful, and seems so lovely; I would just like to meet her. John Blackwell, oh he is one amazing drummer and plays my favorite instrument of all. I tell you, he looks like he could give a strong bear hug! Liv Warfield is so funky, and Damaris Lewis, who I don’t know much about, has legs that go on forever and I have no idea how she dances in those heels!

Pure Perfection

Prince had every person in the United Center up and dancing and in awe of not only him, but the amazing NPG, and 11 piece horn section. He had the woman behind us screaming so loud for him, over and over again, “Prince Baby, sing to me, uh huh, I hear you baby, Yeah, yeah! Sing to me Prince Baby!” I am quite certain she thought he could hear her. It made me wonder, I don’t know if Prince has a wife, or a girlfriend, but if he was my man up on stage, I would want to be in the audience, soaking up the love everyone feels for him! I would want to be witness to all the adoration he receives, and report that back to him. No doubt he feels it!

photo via facebook
 

 

Four encores ended the concert, and at that point I didn’t care that I didn’t get an up close and personal show at the House of Blues, I was only glad I flew 750 miles to see an amazing lyricist, musician, and human being perform a perfect show. Still, days later, I can close my eyes and feel the energy that encapsulated my body, and resonated in my heart and mind. Music is emotional. Prince, NPG, Chicago, thank you for a wonderful emotional ride!

 

 

 

 

Chicago

My friend and I just returned from a trip to Chicago, Illinois. It was a bit of a last minute decision, coming on the heels of a Prince Concert announcement! My friend Tamara was the only one crazy enough and able to come with me. I have to say, in the beginning, my only interest in going to Chicago was to attend the concert, but in the end, Chicago was a welcome indulgence.

 

Chicago sure is a striking city in parts. I love the architecture of Chicago! It is remarkable to see such a collection of skyscrapers, neo classical, art deco, and so many other styles of architecture pooled together amongst landmarks and monuments. One of my favorites was the Tribune Tower, a neo Gothic building. I loved the way it looked at night when it was lit up; I love how ornate it is!

 

Perhaps what I love most about the Tribune Tower, is that embedded in the lower levels of the building, are rocks and bricks from a variety of historically important sites throughout the world, such as the Taj Mahal, The Alamo, The Great Wall of China, The Berlin Wall.

It could be, that I loved the little tea store that sat beside it and the lovely patio to sit at on a perfectly warm night. I could imagine myself sitting there for hours writing and just watching the people going by.

 

I also loved the shoreline of Chicago. We walked the water edge from Navy Pier all the way to Buckingham Palace. It was beautiful!

 

In fact, Chicago downtown, is beautiful at night!

I had many favorite moments and our days and nights were full! It was enjoyable. It’s always a wonderful feeling to get away and travel, even take day trips to rejuvenate your mind and soul. My feet were not feeling all that happy, but my mind was! The architecture tours were great for feeding my mind, the concert was a great source of nourishment for my soul, and the people watching and interactions will at some point be a source of reflection for me upon writing.

Coming home for me is always the same. A feeling of something missing comes over me. In the midst of living life and small adventure; I draw from within, a desire to be still, inward thinking and write. Words roll out like a long vibrant red carpet for me when I enjoy my surroundings and experiences abound. A rather large fault I have, is not taking the time to pull out a pen and book and let the words surge.  The fullness of the day, the consideration of others, always prevails. Moments, I take moments, and they are great. Today I am taking a day, just to write, ruminate and put pen to paper!

 

I thank my friend for joining me on this quick little adventure, and I thank Chicago for the warm welcome. I thank Prince and the NPG for a night I will not soon forget.

 

Until the next little adventure, thank you for stopping by!

Tannis

 

 

When Inspiration Comes

Inspiration.

 It taunts us. It lurks in the corners, hides in the shadows, quivers quietly in the corner, until it decides to come out and seize us.

Photo courtesey of Photobucket

 Sometimes, my inspiration comes in the middle of the night, and I need to get out of bed and write something down. Other times, inspiration taps on my shoulder, just when I need two more minutes to finish drying my hair. I have to put down my brush and go to the keyboard, because I know in those two minutes, my words could be gone. Inspiration does not wait. This I have learned the hard way, often not being able to take the moment to write something down that broke into my mind, words that bubbled up from my soul. Now I write my words down whenever I can.

Sometimes I beg inspiration to come to me when I need her the most. She doesn’t always listen, and then I need to try something new. Like the one time, for my Momoir Project writing course, my final essay was not coming together. I read my words out loud; and re read them over and over again. I hated what I had written; it seemed like such a chronological story, dry, boring, unfeeling. And unfeeling is the last thing my story should have been, because it is a story about something that made me feel every single day. Working with a deadline freaks me out sometimes! This was one of those times.

I decided to leave, the hours could count themselves down, I was not going to do it, and that was that. Inspiration was not listening to my begging, she would have no part of it, and I was frustrated with her! So I took myself to my friendly neighborhood Starbucks for a latte!

 This one is inside a book store, and you have no idea how many times I have gone without my pen and paper, or one of the 10 journals I have made for myself, only to find myself asking someone for paper, or going to the bookstore to buy yet another blank book! Today though, I was in search of something else, a photo book of my favorite musical artist, Prince. I found it, 21 Nights, a photo book from a 21 night tour in London. When I got home, I put in the Indigo Night CD that came with the book, and you know what happened, Inspiration, she came at me like a gale force wind, ripped through my insides, took up residence in my heart, and my pen hit my paper with a fury and out came my story. My Final Essay was written, yes, but so were the words in my heart that needed to just come out. I listened to Prince play his guitar, sing his beautifully written words, and he touched me. The gift of his music, gave me the gift of my written word. This day, Inspiration, she came to me through his music.

 

Today, I woke up brave. Today, thanks to my bravery, I decided to share my final essay. I hope you like it!

One

I was visiting a friend of mine who had just had her second baby, a beautiful girl, now little sister to her big brother Andy. For most of our visit, baby was snuggled next to her momma, in a wrap. Once she started to squirm, we knew our visit would be interrupted by feeding time. But all of us moms understand that it just happens that way and we have to be okay with that.

Once my friend was done with the feeding, she held out her new, bundled, warm and glowing baby girl to me, seemingly knowing that I would want to hold her. Perhaps any other day I would, but today I am caught off guard, overtaken with sadness and sorrow that has come out of nowhere and hit me in the gut like a baseball bat swung at full speed. Because I know I can’t be rude, indifferent uncaring, I take her swaddled baby girl in my arms and I try not to look at her. I distance my heart and close my mind and I fake it. I become that master of disguise I know so well. And after what I hope is an acceptable period of time, I hand her back to her momma and I speak my regrets, but I must go, time has moved so quickly!

As I linger at the door, to say farewell, speaking my genuine heartfelt thanks for the visit, oh it’s always good to see them, I can see in the distance, Andy totally entranced by his new baby sister. I cannot help but see the glimmer in his eyes, the pride, the joy, and I am taken aback.

I start up my vehicle and pull away, not even a few houses away and the tears swell in my eyes. A memory comes to me, so clear in my mind at that moment, as tears blur my vision. My memory goes like this...While driving home from tutor a few months earlier an exchange happened between me and my daughter.

“Mom, I can’t wait to be a big sister!” she says, a big smile on her face as she looks over at me.

“Mom, did you hear me?” she prods. She thinks that every statement she makes requires an instant reply, as though she asked a question. She never gives me more than a few seconds to say something in return, and a simple “uh huh” is never good enough, her pre teen mouth would say something like “you don’t even care!”

She had only given me a few seconds to respond to a statement in which I had no idea how to reply, and we were only minutes away from home, I had to be quick.

“Honey, I know you really want to be a big sister, but I don’t think that it’s going to happen. Sweetie, I just don’t think I will be having a baby now. In fact I definitely won’t be having a baby. I’m so sorry.”

As I looked at her, I could see the tears in her eyes. They sprang up in a hot second. I had never really said it to her so adamantly before, and I made a point of doing it this time, because frankly she has been asking since she could speak, even when I was alone, with no one to have a baby with! My heart just couldn’t handle her asking this of me again. I couldn’t lie to her again. I knew I was in trouble because I was turning down the street that was going to lead us to our house, and she needed more time. We parked in front of the house, she was crying now and this is the first time she has cried about this.

She asks me why, and my head sinks down. If I say I don’t know, it will not be good enough, it will not be the right way to handle it, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t want her to place blame, but I know in my heart that I do. I just don’t want her to. My internal struggle is so immense that I want to just lie and tell her I will think about it. How will she ever understand that he just doesn’t feel that a baby will fit perfectly into our lives? How can she ever forgive him for changing his mind, for thinking he is too old? How can I possibly help her understand it all, when I don’t, when I am still working on forgiveness and acceptance myself? How can I tell her how sorry I am that I was unable to give her what I promised her we would one day have? 

Instead I try to explain that Mommy is getting older (a lie I can’t even make myself believe), it is harder to have a baby when you get older, and our time has just passed. She is thinking now of the baby I miscarried 2 years ago, and I can see the hurt scrunching up her face, causing her lips to quiver. I let her cry a bit more, as I hold her hand, and then I hug her. We have been outside the house for a while now, and I tell her we should go in and I wipe her face. I kiss her cheek.

My mind is back to the present now, of sitting at the side of the road, tears stinging my eyes, causing my head to pound. This scene goes through my mind like I am re living it and the emotions take over me in a sweeping moment and I need to get home fast. I try to push it all from my mind, the softness of the blanket wrapped around my friends baby, the sweet smell of milk on her breath, the warm, wrinkled hands, nails just a bit too long, the tugging at my heart, the lump in my throat.

Once I am at home, I succumb to my sorrow, I want to feel this, I need to feel this, and I need to get it over with. I need to grieve. I want another baby so badly that I can feel my breasts swell, my belly expand, the warmth of breath on my neck, the strain in my arms from holding and rocking a little one longer than most would say is healthy. It is true what you see in the movies, sometimes your sorrow and sadness are so powerful that your legs cannot hold you and you crumble, you drop, you become a rubber mess and you collapse to the ground.

I bring forth to my mind, an evening like most that I could not fall asleep and when I did, I was awaken a short time later to a feeling that startled me. I could feel a leg, entwined with mine, and in a haze wondered what the hell? Then I realized, it was my daughter, she still likes to sleep with me sometimes. It is comforting for her, to be in my cozy bed with me, and I indulge her, because I like it just as much. But in this moment, I am startled awake and then shocked when I realize her leg is nearly as long as mine. She is sleeping on her back, her leg over mine, her hands above her head, her face tilted to one side, just like when she was a baby. I am awake now, and I listen to her breath, I touch the soft skin on her face, I move her mass of knotted curls away from her face. I remember a time when friends would tell me not to rock her to sleep, don’t lay down with her at bedtime, it will never end, she will never go to sleep on her own, don’t hold her too much. I listened to none of them. I rocked her as long as I wanted, I sang her to sleep in my rocking chair every night of her baby life and when she was big enough to be in a bed, I lay down with her every night to talk to her until I could hear her breath, slow and steady, into a sleep. Bedtime has always been our connection time, a review of our day, our time to be together in stillness. They were all wrong.

I am hit with the reality this night that she is growing up so fast. She is no longer even a little girl; she is a pre teen, consumed with thoughts of herself, raw emotions and so many questions. I will no longer rock her, cup her whole body against mine in one swoop as we snuggle together. This night, as I remember her as a baby, look at her in the dark, as I listen to her breathing in and out, I cry. I ache with the awareness, that there will only ever be one.

Thank you for stopping by.

Tannis

The Power of Music

I came across a video on my Facebook the other day. I tell you, this is what I love about Facebook, it is a remarkable way to connect with people we know, are getting to know, wish we could know. It is an amazing way to share information, inspire ourselves and others. I know that many people say negative things about Facebook, and yes, there are some unconstructive aspects. I just ignore, block, unsubscribe to the bothersome parts, and then set my security settings the way I want to!

But here it is, this little gem of a video that I saw posted on Facebook, and I want to share it with you, if you have not already seen it. The star of the video is a wonderful elderly man, who lights up, comes alive, and brilliancy comes to his eyes. All because his ears are carrying a tune to his heart!

This is what music can do.

This is what the wonderful written word can carry out, lyrics, a story, one’s dream put into words, used as a transportation tool to the heart and the soul!

Here, you will see what lovely truly means. Enjoy, and please share.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=NKDXuCE7LeQ

Did you like it? Did it move you? Did it make that dark, hard spot in your heart a little softer? Did you smile? I smiled; it inspired me to write this post and share.

It also made me appreciate those artists that I admire, those who inspire me to write the best that I can, those that help me feel it is feasible to make your dreams come true, those that make me get up and dance in the middle of working because I am sometimes just moved to do so! I love that this man, who doesn’t usually recognize his family, and barely speaks, can suddenly name his favorite music. He can lift his head high, name his favorite musician Cab Calloway, and sing a song!

Wow, music is powerful!

Thanks for stopping by, and have a lovely day!

Tannis

Prince, You still Rock My World!

I was maybe twelve or thirteen years old the first time I saw the Prince movie Purple Rain. I was in love with Prince in an instant! He was my first musical crush. I watched the movie every single day after school for over a year. My big brother's friend would criticize my new found love, to no end. He would say mean things about his height, his physique, his screaming voice, his femininity, you name it. Everything Prince has ever been criticized for, he was saying to me, trying to sway my pre teen mind from my futile obsessive love of an untouchable human being.

His attempts failed at every try. Nothing could sway my dreamlike state of mind. I was so sure that if I met Prince when I was "of age" , he would most certainly want to marry me! He may be a slight man, but to me he was larger than life! Oh the dreams we teenage girls have! They are amazing and sometimes a little more than crazy.


I can tell you that although I may have had an unrealistic reverie of my beloved Prince, from my love of his movie and mostly of his music, came so much more. That movie was etched in my brain, I memorized the dialogue, word for word, and I was touched to the core of me. His music inspired me to write poems, to write anything I could, to have courage to be my own person, to take a stand for my taste in music, no matter what others liked or disliked. When I would watch that movie, something changed in me. The movie was sad, it was deep, it was tumultious, it was tragic, and it was sexual ( I forgot just how much until I watched it with my eleven year old daughter!). It was familiar. He was familiar. I could not get the image of those sad eyes, those perfect lips and beautiful hands out of my mind. Then of course, I grew up! I stopped dreaming of the day I would meet Prince and he would fall in love with me, and I gave up all hope of seeing him perform in concert.

Yes I gave up hope of ever seeing Prince in concert, until.....this week. He was coming to our fine city to perform in his Welcome 2 Canada Tour. Me and two of my friends went to see him, my aniticipation building until I thought I was going to burst! He came on stage, of course in pure Prince theatrics, and I was in love all over again! We danced the whole concert, and it was amazing! A few times I had to turn to my friend and hug her, I was so thrilled! Of course I could not see his sultry eyes up close, but I did see a close up of his wonderful hands on the big screen ( I know that is such a wierd thing to find sexy, but I do!). The concert went on for 2 1/2 hours, but I could have listened and watched forever. There were times I just watched, and took it all in. Times I wished that his performance was in a small venue, where we could dance if he played something to dance to, and sit and enjoy a jamming session just to see the joy in their face. Pure joy. He said it,  "real music, played by real musicians". I have heard that he often performs after party sessions in smaller venues. He didn't do it in Winnipeg this time, I only hope he will next time, how else will I ever meet him? You see, I am still sure if he met me now, he would know he was looking for me! It was always me. At his concert here in our fine city, several times he called for the lights to come on. He was looking, but he didn't see me then either. Perhaps next time! :) Perhaps in our next life.
Music is so unmistakeably the one thing in this world that touches us all. Music moves us. Sometimes in the form of dance, sometimes in the form of emotion, memory, it can even be our therapy. Music makes us feel better, it transports us in our mind and in our soul, where we want it to take us. Music makes us sad, makes us happy, makes us feel. It sometimes makes me feel, when I don't want to, but that is the magic of it. Music is magic. There is nothing else in the world so universal, that connects all people, no matter our color, our race, our religion.

I don't care what other people think of Prince, what the media says, what anyone says. Going to that concert, was likely a once in a lifetime for me, and I loved every single second of it! Sure, I will hold out hope to one day see him perform in a small venue, where I can sit up close and just be in awe and enjoy.  I will be forever grateful that I had the chance to enjoy a concert I thought I would never be at, and yes Prince, you still rock my world!

For the Love of Justin Beiber

I know, you either love him or you hate him. But please, stay with me for a moment!

I waited a week before taking my 10 year old daughter Haley to the new Justin Beiber, Never say Never movie. I waited a week to go because I did not want to wait in long lines, and be a part of tweens and teens yelling his name! I am glad I waited. I took my daughter and her friend, after dinner, and yes we did get there early and were at the front of a small line. The theatre was full, but we had good seats and waited patiently with our popcorn in our lap and our 3D glasses on our heads!

Haley looked at me a few times and told me how excited she was. Once she held my hand and looked at me. I am sure she was thinking that she has the coolest mom EVER!

I will say that before sitting through this movie, I liked Justin Beiber. I would never take Haley's CD (like I have taken others) to listen to on my own. But, I think he is talented, cute, a good Canadian boy, and he seemed quite respectable. I hated that a year ago in Haley's school, if you said you liked Justin Beiber, you were not considered cool. Well with girl power and U Tube power, this year the girls can safely say if they like him or love him, and not be judged! All the boys seem to hate him, I think it is jealousy, but hey, what do I know or remember about being 10?




Haley's Justin Beiber Calendar


I can remember being a pre teen and falling in love with my first band, it was The Scorpions. When my brother went out, I would sneak into his room and listen to his 45 records and albums and I always went back to The Scorpions. I knew nothing about them, but loved their sound, and fell in love with the sound of drums!

The Movie started and I looked at Haley and her friend, I looked around at all the girls, the moms and dads, the few boys in the theatre. And everyone was engaged in what they were watching. I watched my little girl's first musical crush get bigger and bigger, and I was so happy I decided to bring her. I wondered how many times she would watch the video once we bought it (she watched her Shania Twain video nearly every day). And then as Justin Beiber blurred for a moment, I remembered being a young 12 year old girl and falling in love with Prince as I watched Purple Rain, over and over and over again. I literally memorized the whole movie!

The movie was good, it was insightful, it was thought provoking, but hey, in the eyes of a young girl it was simply....dreamy! When we were driving home, I asked the girls what they thought the Never say Never of the tittle meant, just to see if they got that part of the message of the movie. They got it......follow your dreams, don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something, when you want something work hard for it. Then came the question I was not expecting......

What was your dream when you were young?

Hmmm, do we have to talk about this, because if I tell you, then you will know that I didn't live up to Justin Beiber's movie motto? But maybe I will tell you and hopefully because you are only 10, you won't ask me why I didn't follow my dreams.

So I took a deep breath and I told them that I had two dreams. I wanted to be a writer, or I wanted to be a National Geographic Photographer. Then I waited for it.

But they were lost in their own thoughts and only sweetly acknowledged with an "oh really" response.

I was on a Justin Beiber high for 2 days, talking about him and the movie more than Haley! I am ok with that, I still like him, maybe even more after seeing his movie, which I am sure was the intent!

It left me thinking about my own dreams and why I didn't follow them. It got me to thinking and wondering what Haley's dreams would be. How will I encourage her to follow her dreams? How will I help her to see how important it is to make sure you have a dream and make it come true? I look forward to her having big dreams, I just hope that she learns, that dreams change, they take many forms, sometimes it feels like a lifetime before you make them come true! Sometimes those big dreams can shrink in size, they take dedication and hard work and support. That there is the key... support. The love and staying power of family and friends who will always have your back, always help you to remember who you are and always offer a hand when you fall.

All of this from a Justin Beiber movie! If you have a daughter, or a niece or cousin that is a Justin Beiber fan, offer to take them, just so you can see it yourself and if even for a moment, remember your first musical crush. Tell me, who was yours?

Thanks for reading,

Tannis