What exactly is a typical day?

"So Tannis, what does a typical day look like for you these day?" This is the question I get asked so often, now that I am not working. Not working a "real" job anyway. You know, I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, I just never thought it would come about this way.



Haley as a wee baby!

Haley turns one

  When my daughter was two, I was going through a divorce and life took the usual twists and turns. For me and Haley though, it wasn't all so usual. She was diagnosed very early with a chromosome anomaly, an 8q24 chromosomal duplication to be exact. Whatever that means. Well I could tell you what that means, but it is complicated.

At the time I only worked part time, and that would be all that I could manage, since so many of our days early on were spent going from one specialist to the other, physio, occupational therapy, the genetics doctor, the urologist, the list goes on. Haley also had bladder reflux, which required on going attention and later surgery to correct. At age two she had a second surgery to correct an interior ectopic anus. I can tell you this surgery scared me more than correcting the bladder reflux, because I know there was a small chance that this could be a cause for Haley not being able to have babies. We won't know of course until she is ready to try.

Currently, our biggest challenge is the day to day that comes with Haley's learning disability. These days I think I manage quite well. When I worked full time, I hit the nearly 10 year mark where I just could not do it anymore. I hit a wall. I hit that wall so hard, I felt it full force with my whole body. Inside and out. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and panic disorder. It was time to quit and learn where to put my focus. I still struggle with it daily, but these days, Haley's learning gets my full on attention.

It has been nearly two years since I gave up my full time job, my career for the previous 10 years. It was one of the toughest decisions I ever made. It took me a year to make that decision and when it was all said and done, I cried. I cried allot. It also took me about 6 weeks to realize that I was not going back. Well OK I did go back part time but that was short lived. I quit once my mom needed to go for surgery. I quit for good. I needed to go back, to learn that I was done. Done, not with the company, but with any job outside of my home. It just was too soon.

"So what does a typical day look like?" Why is that such a difficult question to answer? I suppose I don't want to be judged, I don't want to be stereotyped as a typical stay at home mom, and I certainly don't want to be made to feel like I am not accomplishing anything.

Why is it that we can't seem to say "oh I am not doing too much these days" and be OK with it? Society has developed an all or nothing attitude in us. If you are reading this and you happen to be one of the people who have asked me this question, please don't feel bad. You having asked it, gave me something to think about and something to write about. It truly is not even the question that is difficult, it is what is in my mind that is the challenge.

The first time I answered that question, I felt like such an idiot, my answer surely making me look and sound like a fool. I wish I could say that my days have some kind of consistency to them, some kind of concrete routine to them, and have some kind of substance to them that is easy to describe. When I stopped working, I was hoping to learn the art of taking time for myself and learning to take care of myself. I suppose essentially I have allot of time to myself, the taking care part is a learning process. It could be something as simple as the snacks I make for myself, and how they differ from the thought and care I put into the snacks I make for Haley. Should be simple, but it's not.

I do know that being off work has afforded me the time and brain space to accomplish some things that I never seemed to be able to do when I was working. I have been able to find programs for Haley to be a part of, I have organized Haley's home schooling work in a way that allows her to stay on track and not be overwhelmed. I have utilized resources that are available for us to take full advantage of. The thing with resources, is they are great only if you can find them! And finding them takes so much time. Most of all I am learning. I am learning to be a better mom, I am learning to teach my child, I am learning the in's and out's of advocating for Haley, I am learning to understand how her brain works, and I am learning that no matter what, I will just keep going!

Now, I embrace the time I have. It has allowed me the freedom to embrace life for what it is, to face it head on and to connect with those I care about. To be present.

When Haley and I see real change, feel real understanding, have moments of real "I got it!", I no longer care when the next person will ask me what a typical day looks like for me. The reality is, my days have never been, never will be typical. They will be forever changing, forever evolving, always about learning, growing, being better. I hope eventually I will learn to have more days that are about me, my growth, my personal care. In the end, everything I do will come back to me. It will come back to me in the eyes of my daughter, in her growth, in the love and happiness of my family.

Oh and if you are one of those people who have asked me what a typical day looks like for me these days, I know you only asked it because you are curious, and you care. So thanks for asking it, and thanks for caring.

Always, thanks for taking the time to read......

Tannis







Tutor

My daughter sees a tutor. She has had the help of this tutor for nearly two years.  And I can honestly say that it has changed her life. Changed our lives.

There were times before the tutor, while home schooling in the summer, that frustrations ran high, and I would need to stop what we were doing...

and just breath.

There were times, mostly while I was trying to teach math, that Haley would get red in the face, play with her hands, slump her shoulders. I knew we needed to stop our lesson. There were times that I would get a pain in my head, put my elbow on the table, cradle my head in my hand, get red in the face. I knew we needed to stop our lesson. Math sucks.

Stop and just breath....

I had to find the strength to admit that home schooling could be a challenge no matter who you are teaching, but it was very tough to admit that home schooling a kid with a learning disability was down right hard. And I needed help. I don't do well at asking for help.


So I found Haley a great tutor! When Haley has her lessons, mostly I stay. I know the tutor thought that it was strange for me to stay, because she told me on a few of those early occasions that most parents go and run errands, go for a coffee, go sit downstairs in the condo lobby couches to read the paper.


She gave up when I told her I was there to learn as well. If teaching Haley was going to be a life long thing for me, then I needed to learn more about how to teach her. Not everything I was doing was working and I just needed to know how to do it!


I bring a book or magazine, and sometimes I read. Other times I pretend to read, flipping the pages carelessly, and I listen. I listen and I learn how to teach my child.

There have been lessons when we walk outside and I say in my head, that was a tough one for her...

Just breath

It could be she has had a bad day at school, she's tired, or she just is not getting it and she feels frustrated.


I remember clearly, the day I sat there on the tutors couch and I heard Haley grasp a math concept that I just could not teach her, no matter what I tried. Her teacher could not teach it to her. The resource teacher and her previous grade teacher could not teach her. I remember thinking, if she can't get this simple concept, how will she ever be able to progress? How will she ever learn all those simple math concepts we take for granted every single day?


Yet here she was, this one day at the tutor, and SHE GOT IT! I was so excited I wanted to jump up and hug her and scream so loud "you got it girl!" I was so overjoyed. I don't know if you can imagine. I sat there, my face red, unable to breath, hands in my head, a lump so big in my throat, but this time for a different reason. A wave of relief hit me a like a semi trailer and from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, I was relieved and happy!


That is the day I knew. Just like the summer all we did was practice reading and she moved up a whole grade in her reading skills... from one summer...she could do this too! If we find the right way for her, if she tries really hard, if we encourage her, if  I remain patient, she will get it! There is a small window of time when I forgot all of that.


I know when you look at Haley, you cannot see her chromosome duplication. An 8q24 duplication means nothing, you cannot see it with your eye. It is something so rare that she was born with, it doesn't even really have a name. So always, all I can ever say is that she has a learning disability. This is a fact I never forget. It is a fact and that is all. It does not define her or who she is. Or what she can do.

Just breath.....

There are days that I look at Haley, in her outfits, a rainbow of color. I see her smile so big. She was always a happy baby, she is still a happy girl. I know I will maybe say good bye to that through her teen years, hopefully only for a short time. It happens to the best of them. If I let myself think about it, I hate how hard some of her days are for her. I can't imagine what goes on in her head. Learning about the brain and how it functions is one big blob of confusion for me. I worry about how difficult some of her future school days will be for her.


In this moment though, I am amazed. With her ability of all things. Her ability to work so hard to meet goals, to not give up, to always be so damn happy! She is at a point in her learning when she is glowing so bright, rising up like the sunshine, and spreading her arms out so wide to see what is within her reach. She is succeeding. She is flourishing in what she is learning at this moment in time. I am so proud of her. The road was so long and reaching, at times it was hard to see if she would ever get here. But she has arrived. It was a long journey, it will be a short stop here, but I hope she enjoys it for the time.

We will bask in this glory, because we know the road ahead will hit a rough patch again. But I know I can always remind her of this success, and I can only pray that she knows she is strong, she will meet the challenge, and again she will succeed! I hope above all, she never is without that big beautiful smile, her make no sense at all songs, and her compassionate heart!


Please do me a favor and share this post/blog with anyone you know who has a child with a learning disability of some sort. I know that it can be hard when no one else you know can relate to the daily challenges. Reading another person's story helps us relate and not feel disconnected. Please pass it on to someone you know who home schools, or is thinking of doing it, it is a bigger community than you think! I have learned so much about this topic from home schooling Haley in the summer and would love to share my knowledge if anyone has questions. Pass it on to anyone you think may just enjoy, and remember to sign up for my blog posts on e mail, it's quick and easy! Thanks for reading, and I welcome all comments, because did you know that comments left on your blog site help it to grow?......


Tannis

For the Love of Justin Beiber

I know, you either love him or you hate him. But please, stay with me for a moment!

I waited a week before taking my 10 year old daughter Haley to the new Justin Beiber, Never say Never movie. I waited a week to go because I did not want to wait in long lines, and be a part of tweens and teens yelling his name! I am glad I waited. I took my daughter and her friend, after dinner, and yes we did get there early and were at the front of a small line. The theatre was full, but we had good seats and waited patiently with our popcorn in our lap and our 3D glasses on our heads!

Haley looked at me a few times and told me how excited she was. Once she held my hand and looked at me. I am sure she was thinking that she has the coolest mom EVER!

I will say that before sitting through this movie, I liked Justin Beiber. I would never take Haley's CD (like I have taken others) to listen to on my own. But, I think he is talented, cute, a good Canadian boy, and he seemed quite respectable. I hated that a year ago in Haley's school, if you said you liked Justin Beiber, you were not considered cool. Well with girl power and U Tube power, this year the girls can safely say if they like him or love him, and not be judged! All the boys seem to hate him, I think it is jealousy, but hey, what do I know or remember about being 10?




Haley's Justin Beiber Calendar


I can remember being a pre teen and falling in love with my first band, it was The Scorpions. When my brother went out, I would sneak into his room and listen to his 45 records and albums and I always went back to The Scorpions. I knew nothing about them, but loved their sound, and fell in love with the sound of drums!

The Movie started and I looked at Haley and her friend, I looked around at all the girls, the moms and dads, the few boys in the theatre. And everyone was engaged in what they were watching. I watched my little girl's first musical crush get bigger and bigger, and I was so happy I decided to bring her. I wondered how many times she would watch the video once we bought it (she watched her Shania Twain video nearly every day). And then as Justin Beiber blurred for a moment, I remembered being a young 12 year old girl and falling in love with Prince as I watched Purple Rain, over and over and over again. I literally memorized the whole movie!

The movie was good, it was insightful, it was thought provoking, but hey, in the eyes of a young girl it was simply....dreamy! When we were driving home, I asked the girls what they thought the Never say Never of the tittle meant, just to see if they got that part of the message of the movie. They got it......follow your dreams, don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something, when you want something work hard for it. Then came the question I was not expecting......

What was your dream when you were young?

Hmmm, do we have to talk about this, because if I tell you, then you will know that I didn't live up to Justin Beiber's movie motto? But maybe I will tell you and hopefully because you are only 10, you won't ask me why I didn't follow my dreams.

So I took a deep breath and I told them that I had two dreams. I wanted to be a writer, or I wanted to be a National Geographic Photographer. Then I waited for it.

But they were lost in their own thoughts and only sweetly acknowledged with an "oh really" response.

I was on a Justin Beiber high for 2 days, talking about him and the movie more than Haley! I am ok with that, I still like him, maybe even more after seeing his movie, which I am sure was the intent!

It left me thinking about my own dreams and why I didn't follow them. It got me to thinking and wondering what Haley's dreams would be. How will I encourage her to follow her dreams? How will I help her to see how important it is to make sure you have a dream and make it come true? I look forward to her having big dreams, I just hope that she learns, that dreams change, they take many forms, sometimes it feels like a lifetime before you make them come true! Sometimes those big dreams can shrink in size, they take dedication and hard work and support. That there is the key... support. The love and staying power of family and friends who will always have your back, always help you to remember who you are and always offer a hand when you fall.

All of this from a Justin Beiber movie! If you have a daughter, or a niece or cousin that is a Justin Beiber fan, offer to take them, just so you can see it yourself and if even for a moment, remember your first musical crush. Tell me, who was yours?

Thanks for reading,

Tannis

Reflecting

This week I celebrated my 39th birthday. With this birthday, came some reflections of the past nine years.

I wondered.....is there a magical age that we reach, upon which we stop reflecting and stop thinking about all of our experiences which made us who we are today....and when we reach this magical age, do we only look forward, and only dream with intent for the future, never to look back?

My first response would be no, I guess it is only human nature to think of all of the roads, pathways and jumps that landed us where we are today.

I was having a birthday lunch with my friend Michelle, and I reminded her of a day nine years ago, my 30th birthday.



Me and Michelle at the beach

 On my 30th birthday, in my kitchen, during my surprise birthday party, I told my friends Michelle and Karen, that 30 didn't mean too much to me, I was looking forward to being 40! Something big was going to happen when I was 40. Then I announced that I could not imagine being with my husband for the next 10 years, I didn't want to be with him at all anymore.

Michelle didn't remember, I suppose because I didn't really say it with too much authority, maybe they were surprised I would say something like that. All I knew, is that I was not living the life I wanted, and I was not setting a good example for my daughter. I never had an example of a good marriage, didn't know what it looked like and didn't know what it took. I knew I didn't want her to grow up believing that my marriage was normal, or what she could expect. I wanted her to know me as a happy mom, a happy wife and a happy woman.

So fast forward nine years later, I am re-married and yes, she does know me as a happy mom, a happy wife and a happy woman. Michelle and I were talking about our homes and she made a comment that I don't have my dream kitchen, and it occurred to me, I have made choices that have put me in a position to possibly never have my dream home, but I am okay with that. As long as I have my dream life!

I may not have that second baby I always longed for, I don't have the house I dreamed of, but I have a wonderful husband, a great kid, a super step daughter, I am a stay at home mom and I am well on my way to having my dream life. I don't think there is an age that we need to  be to achieve that life, and I am certain it's not perfect. I imagine it will always have good and bad, and we will always have to compromise. But I think we will know we have it, when we know that we are where we should be, that we have learned from our mistakes, that we have joy in our hearts and a smile that is genuine and laughter all the time.

Perhaps nothing "big" will happen upon my 40th year, maybe it won't even be something good, or maybe I will be faced with a horrible challenge. Here is what I hope I will have. I hope I will have a loyal, trusting, and loving marriage. I hope that I will be the healthiest I have ever been. I hope my daughter still adores me when she looks at me, and my husband will know without a doubt that I am good and lovely and perfect for him at that moment in life. I hope that I will always reflect, so that I may be thankful that this journey of life has taken me where I am! I hope to have at least 3 fabulous friends that I know I can count on, and the shelter of a house and love to make it a home.

I hope that I am always strong enough to handle what comes my way, that I always listen to my "gut", that I never again fake happiness, and that I always accept that we can always change, always grow, and always be a better version of ourselves!

SO I ask all of you, are you now, or are you on your way to living your dream life? If not, what can you do to start?

When Panic Creeps In

There is a day that happened three years ago, that when I think about it, my chest tightens, my breathing becomes labored and my fists clench.

I was on a plane with my husband, and we were on our way to one of our favorite cities in the whole world, Vancouver, BC. We had smiles plastered on our faces, in anticipation of spending some time together and visiting friends. I was looking forward to the fresh smell of this wonderful city, the lively downtown streets we would walk, the ocean, the dinners, the window shopping we would do!

Then my mind began to wander. I started to think of my job and the stresses I felt on a daily basis. I thought of my lack of work life balance, and how that was beginning to take it's toll on  my marriage. I was thinking of my daughter, who often at that time was in so much turmoil. A turmoil we never understood fully.

I was so hot that I started to take off my vest and the scarf I was wearing. I was shaking and my heart was beating so fast that I thought I was having a heart attack. I wanted to punch the poor guy beside me, foul language was swirling around in my head and I was screaming inside. I was terrified I would scream out loud, so loud, and the flight attendants would restrain me.

I did the only thing I could do, the only thing my logical mind was telling me to do. I got up and went to the front of the plane. All my years working for Starbucks Coffee Company taught me many things, but I was never so thankful that they taught me how to be vulnerable. At this moment I needed to be vulnerable, as I walked down the narrow isle, I envisioned trying to open the door of the airplane, or breaking a window to some air. I just wanted to be able to breathe.

With all the courage and vulnerability I could muster, I told the flight attendant what was happening. I was terrified, embarrassed, and confused. They put me under an air vent.  I remember tipping my head back, letting my shoulders relax, my hair fall back and my eyes close. Within 5 minutes or so, I was fine, I could breathe.

At the time, I said nothing to my husband. He wondered where I went, why I got out of my seat in such a hurry.

I had to come home by airplane after that trip, but I have never been on a plane again.

Several months later, I would learn that what I experienced, was a full blown panic attack.

That was the beginning of how panic crept it's way into my life.

This will have to be a "to be continued" post, because I didn't realize how hard it would be to  write.

As always, thanks for reading.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Tannis

Blog Challenge - Why do I blog?

I have joined the Girl Geek Winnipeg blog challenge! It will definitely be a challenge for me at times, considering I am late already with my first challenge! I am not late because I found it a difficult challenge, but I have been busy with an all weekend craft sale! And the day after it was over, I was wiped out! I don't know what it is about these sales, but they are so draining! And I was lucky at this one because one day, my lovely friend had my daughter over at her house all day, which kept her from having to hang out behind a craft table all day. Also making it easier, was that my husband was with me, helping both days! He is very dedicated to helping me, and yes I am insanely lucky he puts up with it!

His daughter once said how weird it was, because you are always told that often girls marry someone like their father, and he married someone who was just like his mother! She is a crafter as well! But I take it as a compliment, she is a fabulous lady!


Anyway, I digress.

My blog challenge was to write a post about WHY I blog. The reasons are plenty actually and they are always changing. I started my blog as a personal challenge to me. To see if I could do it. Yes it took me a week to figure out how to put the Girl Geek Winnipeg badge on my blog, but I did it! Mostly I started my blog to have a space, besides my journal, to write. I can write anything in my journal, deep, dark, feelings, or those that are uplifting. My hopes, my dreams, my failures. I feel as though I can do that on my blog as well, except there is a difference to the way I write on my blog. I want it to eventually be written in a way that I am telling a story....My Story.

Which brings me to one more reason I started a blog. To practice the art of sharing me and my life. I may only be 38 years old ( I think that is correct), but much has taken place within my 38 years on this earth. Many of those things, I know, that if I share, someone out there will be able to relate with their own life, or to perhaps understand a little bit of the anomaly that is me.

Some of what I share will be shocking, some heartbreaking and some funny. There is a quote by Maya Angelou I love to live every day by, and that quote is "when you get, give, when you learn, teach" In my blog, I will achieve all of that. One day.

I started my blog also to help myself through a journey I began over a year ago, when I decided to quit working full time, and try and make the biggest difference I could in my daughter's life. Every day academically is a challenge for her, and every once in a while my husband and I learn what other things are her personal challenge and we deal with them. This journey is just beginning, it is hard, it is rewarding and it is so very much in the early stages. That journey in itself changes every day, as I realize that a happy family is only complete when we are all happy. We will not all be happy at the same time, but we need to be strong enough to hold each other up when we are having a bad day, a bad week, or a bad year. Nothing worth it comes without much hard work, determination and loyalty. The four of us together, I believe have all of that, and as a family we will be happy and hold each other up when one of us is leaning, falling, or crashing to the floor. We have done it already many times!

So those are some of the reasons I began my blog. Thanks for reading!

Tannis

Holes in my underwear!

Reader Beware! This may be more information than you want to know!

I was thinking today about a day in October that went something like this.......

While getting dressed in what I thought was the privacy of my own bedroom, Haley walked in. "Mom, you have holes in your underwear!" I looked down, yes I did in fact have two holes at the waist of my panties. With a little bit of embarrassment, and a bit of humiliation, I said to her "yes honey, I guess I need to buy some new underwear don't I?"

The rest of that day, I could not get that scene out of my mind. I kept on thinking about how sad it was really, to continue to wear underwear with holes in them. After all, I know I had been wearing them like that for nearly a month. I would never let Haley wear underwear with holes in them. Dave and I joke about how weird it is that I only have a one week supply of underwear. He asks me why I don't buy myself new ones. At one point in time, all I ever bought was panties! He would always be asking me "how many panties does one woman need?"

So on this particular day, I was wondering why I don't go out and buy myself some new panties. The reasons are plenty really. For starters, it would mean having to think about what size I would have to get. That would be medium instead of the small I once was. Strike one!

I would have to consider what style. Could I pull off the boy cut? I hardly think so. What about bikini. Well where would the little bulge of my tummy go? I hate when my panties end up falling to the line of my scar from my c-section. But if I lost a few pounds I wouldn't have to worry about that. Strike two!

I guess it would have to be the high cut.  But the nice high cut ones, not like the granny pantie kind of high cut that the old ladies wear!

What color would I get, oh and how much do I want to spend? Which brings me to the next strike. Money. I am no longer working, no longer a contributing money provider to our household. And please note here, that I say money provider. Because I am the provider of MANY things. Just not regular money!

So spending money on panties seems so selfish, so expensive. Strike number three! Then I get flustered, and go grocery shopping and buy myself another magazine, adding to the already ninety eight magazines I have at home! All the while, saying to myself, "I'll buy panties next week."

Later that week I actually earned some money on a special order of handcrafted cards that someone requested I make. So you know what I did? I bought myself new panties! And a magazine, oh and a few craft supplies!

With my new purchase in hand, I did not feel special, I did not feel like I broke the bank, and I certainly did not feel buyers remorse. I did however feel very pleased when I was getting dressed the next day that my choice of underwear did not have any holes in them. Those babies went in the garbage! This was my own private knowledge as I walked down the street, head held a little higher. We women all deserve new underwear! It just makes us feel better!

I have often gone over it in my head, about taking better care of myself. From getting my hair cut and colored on a regular basis, doing yoga more often, getting exercise in general more often, and eating healthier. I suppose wearing undergarments that are free of holes is an essential part of the whole, "taking better care of myself" idea.

Perhaps this is a start! Maybe next week I'll replace the bra with the protruding under wire!

Tannis

It's as easy as riding a bike

One of my favorite hobbies is scrap booking. I love it because it gives me the creative freedom to put together my memory books so that when you look at them, it is my story that I am telling. It is the story of life that includes my family, my friends, my daughter's friends. When I look at my moms old black and white photos, they are beautiful, they are treasured, but they are nameless. I don't know if someone in those photos is an aunt, an uncle, a secret love of my moms. So I hope that when my daughter is older, has a family of her own, she will show them the story of our life! All completely spread out in sequential order and labelled and journaled with all the love I put into them!

The other evening, I spent a few hours with a friend of mine, scrap booking. I was excited and felt so accomplished for completing another album. I should also say at this point, that the other reasons I love to scrapbook, is I find it relaxing, it is ME time and it is therapeutic. It allows my mind to slow down to a reasonable pace of thinking, and forces my mind to be present in the memory that I am scrap booking at that moment. This is what brings me to this post. This is a few of the pictures I was working with at the time......

I was on a school field trip with my daughter Haley. At one point, all of the kids were getting the chance to throw a hunting spear, to learn how people hunted for their food. I didn't think Haley would have a problem with this, but soon I was reading her body language and knew that she was uncomfortable. She told me she did not want to try, and I encouraged her to try. All of the kids were taking turns, and it was not a contest to see who could throw it the farthest. All the boys where yipping and hollering, imagining the kill of a buffalo, and this was making her nervous.

Someone tried to be helpful, by saying to her, "don't worry Haley, it's as easy as riding a bike." One look in my direction and tears welled in her eyes. I fought my emotions between being a firm, strong mom and telling her in a forceful voice to just try it and the soft, empathetic mom who wanted to hug her and say, don't bother, it's no big deal, we don't have to hunt for our food.  Hell we don't even eat red meat! In the end I tried both approaches, and failed at both.

You see, Haley cannot ride a bike. She is ten years old and she cannot ride a bike. Now I was not about to explain that to someone who was only trying to help, but they had no idea the awful emotions that caused for her.

Haley has hypotonia, decreased core muscle strength, and balance difficulties associated with her 8q24 chromosomal duplication. Wow, is that a mouthful or what! Try and explain that to someone in simple terms, and it is impossible. I know, because I have tried!

When it was time for Haley to learn to ride a bike, we tried. We got frustrated, she got frustrated, but we tried. Eventually, Haley was able to get special wheels put on her bike, all taken care of through The Children's Rehabilitation Foundation. But because of her core strength and her balance, it was still a challenge. It got to the point that because her friends were asking questions she didn't know how to answer, and people were staring, that I would take her to a large park near by to let her practice. We even tried taking the bike camping, because at camp, all kids ride their bikes.

She tried. Sometimes she gave up too easily out of frustration. Other times after I would tell her over and over again that she could do it, she would have a burst of desire to ride that bike. Dave and I eventually saw, and heard from a physiotherapist, that she may never ride a bike.

At some point, with the advise of an occupational therapist from Children's Hospital (who I am sure was sent to be in our lives from someone up above), I asked myself if it would be a big deal if Haley never rode a bike. With all of the challenges she would face, should riding a bike be a big deal?

Will it change her as a person? Will she still look at me when we are driving and reach out to touch my arm and say "I love you mom!". Will she be the same Haley that tells me she is so proud of me, when I make a new craft? Will she still be the crazy,  loveable girl who wears this to bed?...

And sticks her tongue out at any chance she gets?

Will it change the fact that she is compassionate at age 10, loves with her whole heart, adores any baby she sees, touches your face to make you feel good, and laughs with her whole belly.

Not a chance! We forgot about the bike, and we have never looked back!

It would be nice to go bike riding as a family, and I would be lying if I said it didn't pull at my heart strings when I see kids riding through the campground in the summertime. It makes me a little sad that Haley can't ride her bike to her friends house, or to school. But it does not make Haley sad and that is the most important thing. This strong, brave girl, with all of the hard stuff she has had to face, all of the challenges that are ahead, has a confidence that astounds me! Every day, in some way, she amazes me!

This may be something as easy as riding a bike, but from it, I have learned so much more. I have learned that it is not my right to ever have been embarrassed because Haley could not ride a bike. It is not about what our children can't do, but what they can do. That of course is an easy one, but it is about helping them to see their potential and all that they have to offer.  It is about teaching them values and how to love and how to embrace diversity. It is about learning that although I am the parent and I am responsible for living a life in which I lead by example, I was never quite prepared for all the things that she would teach me, for all the ways she is still teaching me.

Tannis

Renewed Spirit

With a new year, always, I have a renewed spirit. It is one that evokes visions of a new start. I imagine new clothes, clean closets, spotless floors, a sanctuary in my home I can never quite achieve.

I can feel the need to stretch, to breathe deeply, to sit in the sunshine and day dream. Always it is fleeting. The thoughts, the feelings, the desires and the dreams, eventually flutter off like a butterfly seeking the next beautiful flower to grace it's presence with. This year, I have the almost indescribable need to find a way to make that feeling stay.

Keeping that renewed spirit and visions of all things good and new, seems almost essential to my survival, my want to be happy, my ability to dream. I want to be open to all the possibilities life has to offer. I will do great things, I will learn, I will teach, I will love with my whole heart, I will grow. Most of all, I will dream and I will work hard.

I walk past my bedroom, and dining room, many times a day, and when the sun is shining through the windows, always, I pause. My sunlit bed, and often the cats, beckon me to come and drink up all the sun has to offer.  It calls to drink up the heat, the strength, the energy, love and power it has to give me. Sometimes, I give in. I flop myself on the bed, run my hand along the soft fur of any one of my three cats. I listen to their breath, their purr, feel the rise and fall of their tummy, and I succumb. I succumb to either my thoughts, my daydreams, and sometimes to a nap!

Angel

                                                                             Harvey

Sammy

Today I chose my dining room! The sun shines in my window (oh how I wish I could have clean windows in the winter), and I sip my tea. I flip through a scrapbook magazine, I dream of pages I will create, pictures I will take, friends I will scrapbook with. I am looking at my banana leaf covered book that I intend to use as my book of inspiration and I think of how I will fill those pages. Then I pick up my pen to write. Inspiration comes in many forms, often for me, it comes as the sunshine points it's rays onto my face, and when I close my eyes, the specks of sunlight glitter through my eyelids.

                                                                         

One of my new favorite Starbucks cups

So here I am, today is the first day of my new blog. As I sit and reflect on the previous year, I can do what we all do so much of....I can beat myself up about all the things I didn't accomplish, all the things I wanted to do and hoped to achieve but have not yet. But I choose to think of only where I am going, what I want to do next and consider the baby steps, and smaller goals I am willing to make. Oh yes my mind sure does jump into fast forward and overwhelm me, but I am putting the brakes on that one! I got myself a new set of brakes this year that are shiny, more determined and more aggressive than ever before. They are going to be my new best friend in a world that taunts us to want what everyone else has, set unrealistic goals, and lead an unhappy lifestyle! Don't get me wrong, I am the queen of goals, the princess of list making and my mind is the ruler of all things catastrophic, fraught with anxiety.

It has been over a year since I quit my full time job to gain a better perspective on my life. I gave up something I once loved, to be home with my daughter who has a learning disability, to achieve balance in my life, to be present in my marriage and to be completely happy. This of course, is where my typing slows down, as I realize this is the part where reality hits me full force and those shiny new brakes I acquired are screeching now. I need to let up on them and ride it out.......

This will be my journey, my groundwork, where I measure how far I have come, where I am going, and the success I will capture as I learn more about my daughter and her learning disability, share my joy of writing, and practice sharing myself with others. It will be a creative challenge for me, but I am up for it!

I hope you will take this journey with me, and grow as I grow, inspire each other with me, and feel connected! For me, this is like opening a brand new journal, feeling the excitement of writing on that first brand new page. I guess my first page is now filled, thank you for sharing it with me!

                                  

Tannis