Saturday, March 24, 2012

Wanting to do it isn't enough! You have to NEED to do it!

Is there a need in you for anything? How can you nourish your curiosities and your wants and see what they grow into? If you do need something, how do you currently honour this need? How could you honour your needs in a small way today and every day this week?

These are questions my e group  is working on this week. Questions we ask ourselves each week to provoke us to discuss or write.

 Loving to act, vs. needing to act, loving to write, vs. needing to write. For me, I need to be creative. It could be baking, cooking, creating a new recipe, or writing.

It could mean crafting, creating a new scrapbook page layout, perhaps using colors that scare me to think of putting them together ( I am a bit matchy matchy). Being creative could be making a new journal, a new card. I "need" to do this almost every day. Being creative could also mean planting new flowers in my garden, growing an herb I have never grown before. It could also mean writing from the heart. A new blog post, a poem, a song, an essay, a piece that I think could be a great magazine article. I could write about the best sandwich I ever ate! Those are all things I "need". If only we could all live the glamorous life and have the time, money and resources to make the things we "need" easier to attain.

But there is another need that pulls at me, the one that scares me that freaks me out. The need to not be safe, not be so thoughtful, not be so careful! I always try to make the "right" decision, the logical one, and the one that is best for everyone. I think in my last life, I may have been a gypsy! Every 6 years or so, I feel the need to leave, to wander, to change. Sometimes I do, but as I get older, and build a life and a family, it gets harder. Right now I am fighting the need to move, leave, and start something fresh. Not start over, just maybe...I don't know, search for that thing that brings you peace. There is a much more eloquent way to say it; I just have not found it yet.

When we were travelling through the mountains last summer, we were leaving Kelowna, British Columbia and driving through the Kootenays. I said out loud that I was hoping to find my next "home".  When I think about what it would feel like, I think it would be a place surrounded by the beauty of the mountains, water, and a smell to the air that was clean and clear, a place that I have never known but would recognize when I arrived. A place where I can be close to nature, near beautiful surroundings, away from copious amounts of dust and traffic and severe weather. A place that encourages my creativity, makes me want for less in my life, but allows me the feeling of being rich in everything that matters. I desire a place that I could call "home" because truthfully, I have never known the feeling of home. Snuggling with my daughter, breathing her in, cradling her warmth, is the closest feeling to "home" that I have ever felt.

Then I consider what it would take to leave, to be in search of. It would mean leaving my aging mom, leaving my family (which is so dysfunctional, but still mine), and taking my daughter out of the close proximity of her biological father. Leaving my friends, and the people I enjoy being around, keeping in touch with.
This, above the need for anything else I need, is a need that gnaws at my ribs, plagues my mind, and breaks my heart, every day. It leaves me wondering, do I need too much?

Tell me, is there a "need" in you that you are not honouring?

Thanks for stopping by!


p.s. if the above questions interest you and you would be interested in exploring A Year of Questions, please click on my link for Writing Our Way Home. It's a wonderful place to be!

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