Reflecting

This week I celebrated my 39th birthday. With this birthday, came some reflections of the past nine years.

I wondered.....is there a magical age that we reach, upon which we stop reflecting and stop thinking about all of our experiences which made us who we are today....and when we reach this magical age, do we only look forward, and only dream with intent for the future, never to look back?

My first response would be no, I guess it is only human nature to think of all of the roads, pathways and jumps that landed us where we are today.

I was having a birthday lunch with my friend Michelle, and I reminded her of a day nine years ago, my 30th birthday.



Me and Michelle at the beach

 On my 30th birthday, in my kitchen, during my surprise birthday party, I told my friends Michelle and Karen, that 30 didn't mean too much to me, I was looking forward to being 40! Something big was going to happen when I was 40. Then I announced that I could not imagine being with my husband for the next 10 years, I didn't want to be with him at all anymore.

Michelle didn't remember, I suppose because I didn't really say it with too much authority, maybe they were surprised I would say something like that. All I knew, is that I was not living the life I wanted, and I was not setting a good example for my daughter. I never had an example of a good marriage, didn't know what it looked like and didn't know what it took. I knew I didn't want her to grow up believing that my marriage was normal, or what she could expect. I wanted her to know me as a happy mom, a happy wife and a happy woman.

So fast forward nine years later, I am re-married and yes, she does know me as a happy mom, a happy wife and a happy woman. Michelle and I were talking about our homes and she made a comment that I don't have my dream kitchen, and it occurred to me, I have made choices that have put me in a position to possibly never have my dream home, but I am okay with that. As long as I have my dream life!

I may not have that second baby I always longed for, I don't have the house I dreamed of, but I have a wonderful husband, a great kid, a super step daughter, I am a stay at home mom and I am well on my way to having my dream life. I don't think there is an age that we need to  be to achieve that life, and I am certain it's not perfect. I imagine it will always have good and bad, and we will always have to compromise. But I think we will know we have it, when we know that we are where we should be, that we have learned from our mistakes, that we have joy in our hearts and a smile that is genuine and laughter all the time.

Perhaps nothing "big" will happen upon my 40th year, maybe it won't even be something good, or maybe I will be faced with a horrible challenge. Here is what I hope I will have. I hope I will have a loyal, trusting, and loving marriage. I hope that I will be the healthiest I have ever been. I hope my daughter still adores me when she looks at me, and my husband will know without a doubt that I am good and lovely and perfect for him at that moment in life. I hope that I will always reflect, so that I may be thankful that this journey of life has taken me where I am! I hope to have at least 3 fabulous friends that I know I can count on, and the shelter of a house and love to make it a home.

I hope that I am always strong enough to handle what comes my way, that I always listen to my "gut", that I never again fake happiness, and that I always accept that we can always change, always grow, and always be a better version of ourselves!

SO I ask all of you, are you now, or are you on your way to living your dream life? If not, what can you do to start?