Nobody gets into a Bathroom Stall with my Baby!

photo courtesy of Photo Bucket

Today, my daughter came home with another bullying story. It’s not the first time someone did her wrong, and it won’t be the last! I listened to her long winded story of what happened...the girl was bugging her....wouldn’t shut up....told her to just leave me alone, go away...she said that nobody liked her....climbed over the top of the bathroom stall...

Wait, she what!? Yes I had heard it right, this mean, obtrusive bully, climbed over the top of the bathroom stall when my daughter went in there to get away from her.

I asked her next, “Did she put her hands on you?”

My daughter looked at me, she knows I can be fierce, and she put her head down and said no. I asked her again, wondering if her body language was showing tell tale signs of a lie. “Tell me now, the truth, did she put her hands on you? Did she poke you, push you, or did she shove you?” A mutual friend of my daughter and the bully had to actually drag this girl out of the bathroom, in order for the situation to stop. This girl did not put her hands on my daughter, but at this point, it didn’t matter.

I put on my shoes, told her to do the same and I asked her where this girl was right now! Possibly she was at the neighbors (the mutual friend) or at the school yard. We went to the neighbors, as I knocked on the door and rang the doorbell, to no answer; I could feel my anger growing.

As I said, when it comes to my girl, I can be fierce!

We walked to the school yard, and she was not there.

I took a breath, and took a cue from my daughter. My adrenaline was pumping, and I could see it got her pumping too. I knew I needed to calm down, and hopefully, I wouldn’t really find this girl. Instead I decided to walk into the school, to tell the principle.

As it turns out, this bully was being suspended, for what I know to be the 3^rd or 4^th time this school year. We told the principle what happened, we told him what she said, and I remembered to include the part about her wishing my daughter would die in a hole. Who says that? A few girls have bothered my unassuming daughter before. I have talked her through it, done and said all the things I believed to be right. This time though was different. Nobody, I mean nobody, gets into a bathroom stall with my baby!

When I was a teenager, a fair share of girls hated me. They didn’t like my long “spaghetti hair” (as they affectionately called it). One time, I even got chased out of one of the boys houses because one girl found out I was there hanging out.  They didn’t want me to hang out with any of the guys; they didn’t want their boyfriends talking to me. They seemed to wish I had never come to their school.  I wish back then I had someone to protect me, to stand up for me. I wish I could have been better at standing up for myself. I know firsthand how mean and cruel girls can be. I won’t be able to protect my daughter from all of them, but I can damn well try!

On the walk back home, my daughter thanked me for standing up for her, and for talking to the principal, and for all of the things I told her. One of the things I told her was that if anyone ever shoved her, she was to use all her strength and shove them back. Her response was a wide eyes, “mom, then I will get expelled and I will get into trouble!” To which I replied, “Honey, I already home school you part time, you can come to my school and you won’t get in trouble from me for standing up for yourself, EVER.”

Did I tell her the wrong thing? I know violence doesn’t solve anything and “violence begets violence”, but really, if someone cornered you, and punched you in the face, would you smile at them? I don’t think so!

Thanks for stopping by!

Tannis

Doing the Doggie Paddle

Today I feel like a child learning to swim. The only thing I can manage today is the doggie paddle.

Today, this kid doing the doggie paddle is getting so tired from being over exerted, is ready to stop, and can’t breathe. Today I feel the fear inside that kid, who wonders, what will happen if my arms stop paddling, if my legs stop kicking, if my head goes under water? Will I drown, will I find my strength to keep going. Will vim and vigor kick in at the last moment?

I will be off to yoga in less than an hour and I will hear the words of my yoga instructor telling me to clear my mind, connect with my breath; let the stress of the day go. I may hit “publish” today to this post; maybe it will be in a day or two. Whenever it is, I hope that I no longer feel like I am treading water for survival, I hope I am gliding, arms stretched, sun on my face, head under water, then head up again, breathing with ease.

Today, while I am trying to connect with my breath, will I be thinking of the weight of last week upon my shoulders? When I close my eyes, will I see the look on my daughter’s face, when the arguments of the day became too much for her and she slid down her locker to the school hall floor to have a good cry? Will I remember her disappointment in not attending the spring concert because we just could not get past the day’s events... the prior week’s events... the meltdowns... the frustrations? Maybe I will connect with the hard pit in my stomach, the lump in my throat or the guilt in my heart.

Perhaps writing these words will be enough, and in the days ahead I can refocus. Find that vim and vigor.

Last night we went to the library. My books of choice were, Organizing the Disorganized Child, The Homeschooling Handbook, and Solve Your Childs School Related Problems. Not exactly easy reading, is it? I know I won’t possibly get them all read in the time I have them on loan from the library. I know I will not possibly be able to retain all of the information in the pages of these books. I know that chapters will go unread, of things we have tried, milestones we have achieved, accomplishments met, things still yet out of reach. I will look at the book on my bedside table, the one I wish I was reading, and the one I wish I could get lost in.

Another day, perhaps.

Treading water, doing the doggie paddle, sometimes it’s the best we can do, and that is ok.                   

I am about to hit the “publish” button on my blog, and all the while thinking....I said I wouldn’t do it. I would not vent on my blog, I would not be negative, and I would not use my blog as a “friend” when I thought none would understand. But you know what? Sometimes, when all you can do to keep your head above water is flail your arms and kick your feet, survival instinct has to kick in, and you just have to do whatever it takes to endure. Because if you don’t, you just won’t survive it!

Thanks for stopping by!

Tannis

Wrestling With Creativity

Every day upon waking, and enjoying my morning coffee, I have three choices of how I will proceed with my day.  I ask myself, today, will I be a writer, feeling the need to get a story or essay written? Are the words taking up space in my mind, almost forcing me to take pen to paper? Am I a paper crafter, wanting to create something new with the copious amounts of pretty paper in my work room? Perhaps I can make some new journals? Maybe today I’m going to work on teaching outlines for my daughter, make a new home schooling binder, print out worksheets for her to complete, and I will be a teacher. Each day, these are the questions swirling around in my creative mind, wrestling with each other, and no I am not multiple personality!

I do however have three very distinct outlets for my creativity. I am a writer, a paper crafter and teacher to my daughter.

When creativity strikes, it is all encompassing. There could be words swimming in my head that have a need to come together, and I cannot properly focus on anything else. A color combination or a great gift idea may come to mind, or I may have a flash of brilliance, a scholastic idea pops into my mind that I just need to incorporate into my daughters teaching routine. If I do not satiate my creative idea right away, I have a dull ache that takes over my body.

When I go a few days without creating, my body reminds me, by throwing me a headache, or I become restless and unfocused.

I came across this photo today on Facebook, and it just struck a chord with me.

There are a few circumstances in my life, which leave me wishing someone could honestly say these words to me.

Today I wish someone could tell me that they know how frustrating it can be to have multiple creative outlets and the struggle that comes with choosing which one to nurture on any given day. I suppose I don’t surround myself with enough people that are “like” me, but I have never considered it a qualification of friendship.

I know people who are very creative. Some of them have a love for art, writing, playing instruments, or singing. They are all so talented and have a single driving passion. I have three. They equally engage me, they equally bring a smile to my lips, and they equally satisfy a hunger in me. And every day, they equally rival for my attention. I wonder to myself, could this be right? Is it possible I just think that they are all equally important to me? The blessing to this, is that ideas pass through each other, dripping their essence into my heart and mind, while I am busy being creative! The downfall is that I become so engrossed in my work, that I forget the world is still involved around me. Hours pass without me being aware of them! Sometimes logic has to win, it could be that I have a writing deadline, other times I have a show coming up or a special order that needs to be ready, so I am crafting all day and into the evening, days upon days. It is what takes the most of my time and I suppose wins the wrestling match more often than not.

Teaching my daughter is a necessity, and sometimes has to win the match against all odds, against all desires of my heart. Some days, that are truly brilliant in their own right, I get to do all three. Those are my best days. Those are the days I go to bed, and realize, that I had a perfect teaching opportunity, I created something new in my craft room, and I took the time to write.

These are things I cannot calendar, I cannot schedule, I cannot force.

There are days that one of these creative forces speaks a little bit louder than the others, and I listen. There are days, I wish that I could be happy just to choose one. But how do you let go of something that feels so good?

Do you wrestle with creativity? Share your story with me, because it would mean so much to know that someone knows exactly how I feel!

Thanks for stopping by.

Tannis

 

 

 

Under the Willow Tree

So here I am, sitting at Starbucks, trying to get some work done, and then it happens. I lift my head to look outside, and what do I see? Besides a parking lot, that is, I see snow. I see dreary grey skies. I close my eyes and envision the snow plow on my street yesterday afternoon, causing me to rush out and move my van. I can see myself walking to yoga class, my feet having difficulty in my boots finding any solid ground; just ruts, from snow melted, and then frozen again, covered with more and more snow. And my heart sinks. I think to myself, I have had enough; I’m done with the snow, done with the cold, done with the lack of sunshine.

I can remember nights I walked to yoga, with a smile on my face, in the darkness as I look at the glitter of the snow, the twinkle that the street lights offer to the new fallen flakes. That love affair was over weeks ago. I need sunshine on my shoulders, tanned skin, and golden hair. I long to feel grass on my bare feet, soil from my garden under my nails, sun shining hot on my face, giving me that summer glow.

Today, I am reminded of a summer day, last year, in one of the most beautiful places I know. Peachland, British Columbia. My girl and I drove to Peachland from Kelowna to spend the day on the beach. We packed a lunch, took our books, camera, our blanket and nothing much more than that! I parked the car and we headed to the rocky beach. Anticipation was building as I gazed past the beach in front of me to see the mountains, surrounding the wide open body of water, a calmness came over me. Haley didn’t like the beach very much because it was rocky instead of sandy. I loved it. I don’t care for sand much; it gets under my nails, in my hair, and on my blanket! We took a quick swim to cool off, before having our lunch. I remember reading for only a short while, before complete relaxation took over my body and mind, and I sank down into the blanket, playing with the grass on the ground above my head. Within minutes, Haley said to me “uh mom, look at that!” I lifted my head and looked towards the mountains to the blackest sky I had ever seen in these parts. Seconds later the wind came with a fierceness that took us by surprise. After gathering all of our stuff, throwing it in the car, we ran to the coffee shop!

We sat there, on the patio of the coffee shop, watching as the worst storm of the season, ripped its way through our beautiful, tranquil Peachland. I watched the willow tree, its sinewy limbs swaying with each gust.

Some might think our day was ruined, but it was far from ruined, it just turned out differently. It may have only been a few hours we spent in Peachland, on the beach, at the cafe, walking the shops and sitting near the Willow Tree, but it was enough time for me to fall in love. I fell in love with a place that felt more like a home to me than I have ever felt anywhere before.

It has stayed with me, that wonderful feeling.

I don’t sleep well, and one night, something in me was pulling, and I got up, grabbed a pen and paper, and these are the words that came out, all the while, that beautiful, wonderful, willow tree, illuminated in my mind.


You are a touch away

Yet I cannot reach you.

I want to whisper, so only you will hear;

By the guidance of the moon

Meet me, under the willow tree.

When you reach me,

Hold my hand in yours

With the other, touch my face and

Kiss me once, kiss me twice

Take my breath away with your love

When you come to meet me,

Under the willow tree.

I have no idea what it means, if anything, but they were the words there, inside me.

Still to this day, I can close my eyes, and see that beautiful Willow Tree.

When winter seems long, it is that day that I think about.

I hope whatever part of the world you are in, sunshine is falling upon your face when you read this!

Tannis