My Gaping Hole

I love visiting a new city or town, and feeling the vibe of life being lived by others. I like to imagine myself there, my life as it would be, if that city was my home. Minneapolis this past weekend was the perfect place to imagine my life being transported. One day before leaving from Minneapolis, back to my home city, I became implausibly sad. I took some time to let the feeling settle inside me, and spent many hours during sightseeing, shopping, and driving, to consider why.

The trip was great; a good time was had by all. Minneapolis is a very pretty city, and I liked it more than I thought I would. I also may have found a new favorite paper store! I actually didn’t really wonder before we left, if I would like it or not. I was quite focused on the concert I was going there for, Prince of course. A small 3000 person show in his home town! (That has to be a separate blog post though!) What did I care if I would like the city or not. I was going to see Prince in concert for the 3^rd time in 2 years!

But something happened, in the light of day. I looked around and saw that in some ways, it was a city much like my own. In some ways, it was a larger scale of the small mountainside town of Peachland that I fell in love with last year.  I could feel, within me, a gaping hole. Something missing...something not found...something I long for, need, crave?

 

There was a very pretty area that we went to on our second last day, the Lake Calhoun area. When we got there, my breath caught in my throat. Not because of its beauty. I have seen beautiful places before, in my ever favorite Rocky Mountains, the beaches of Hawaii, Jamaica, the forest and trees in our camping region, the soft silence and untouched beauty of the area I tree planted in as an 18 year old. I have seen many beautiful places, and that was not what caused my breath to be caught.

My daughter was with me the day I proclaimed that I loved Peachland so much I wanted to move there. She was with me in the water when she asked me, was it my dream to live there? She heard my reply that I was meant to live near beauty.

This day, in Minneapolis, as I stepped out of my vehicle, I looked at her and told her I had that same feeling that I had that day in Peachland.

I was meant to live near beauty.

Thanks for stopping by!

Tannis

Under the Willow Tree

So here I am, sitting at Starbucks, trying to get some work done, and then it happens. I lift my head to look outside, and what do I see? Besides a parking lot, that is, I see snow. I see dreary grey skies. I close my eyes and envision the snow plow on my street yesterday afternoon, causing me to rush out and move my van. I can see myself walking to yoga class, my feet having difficulty in my boots finding any solid ground; just ruts, from snow melted, and then frozen again, covered with more and more snow. And my heart sinks. I think to myself, I have had enough; I’m done with the snow, done with the cold, done with the lack of sunshine.

I can remember nights I walked to yoga, with a smile on my face, in the darkness as I look at the glitter of the snow, the twinkle that the street lights offer to the new fallen flakes. That love affair was over weeks ago. I need sunshine on my shoulders, tanned skin, and golden hair. I long to feel grass on my bare feet, soil from my garden under my nails, sun shining hot on my face, giving me that summer glow.

Today, I am reminded of a summer day, last year, in one of the most beautiful places I know. Peachland, British Columbia. My girl and I drove to Peachland from Kelowna to spend the day on the beach. We packed a lunch, took our books, camera, our blanket and nothing much more than that! I parked the car and we headed to the rocky beach. Anticipation was building as I gazed past the beach in front of me to see the mountains, surrounding the wide open body of water, a calmness came over me. Haley didn’t like the beach very much because it was rocky instead of sandy. I loved it. I don’t care for sand much; it gets under my nails, in my hair, and on my blanket! We took a quick swim to cool off, before having our lunch. I remember reading for only a short while, before complete relaxation took over my body and mind, and I sank down into the blanket, playing with the grass on the ground above my head. Within minutes, Haley said to me “uh mom, look at that!” I lifted my head and looked towards the mountains to the blackest sky I had ever seen in these parts. Seconds later the wind came with a fierceness that took us by surprise. After gathering all of our stuff, throwing it in the car, we ran to the coffee shop!

We sat there, on the patio of the coffee shop, watching as the worst storm of the season, ripped its way through our beautiful, tranquil Peachland. I watched the willow tree, its sinewy limbs swaying with each gust.

Some might think our day was ruined, but it was far from ruined, it just turned out differently. It may have only been a few hours we spent in Peachland, on the beach, at the cafe, walking the shops and sitting near the Willow Tree, but it was enough time for me to fall in love. I fell in love with a place that felt more like a home to me than I have ever felt anywhere before.

It has stayed with me, that wonderful feeling.

I don’t sleep well, and one night, something in me was pulling, and I got up, grabbed a pen and paper, and these are the words that came out, all the while, that beautiful, wonderful, willow tree, illuminated in my mind.


You are a touch away

Yet I cannot reach you.

I want to whisper, so only you will hear;

By the guidance of the moon

Meet me, under the willow tree.

When you reach me,

Hold my hand in yours

With the other, touch my face and

Kiss me once, kiss me twice

Take my breath away with your love

When you come to meet me,

Under the willow tree.

I have no idea what it means, if anything, but they were the words there, inside me.

Still to this day, I can close my eyes, and see that beautiful Willow Tree.

When winter seems long, it is that day that I think about.

I hope whatever part of the world you are in, sunshine is falling upon your face when you read this!

Tannis

Challenge Update

I'm day 15 into my 40 day challenge, and a challenge it has been! I won't say I'm failing, nope; I'm not going to say that. I will say that I have been struggling the most with getting off of the computer at 10pm. I like the night, and at night, it's quiet, it's just me, and that is when I like to research things on the Internet. It's the time of day that I like to click on links, read all the articles I have saved to my favorites, check out the pins I have pinned to Pinterest, and find topics to write about.

So I can say without a doubt, that when my 40 days is up, I will not be continuing on with that part of my challenge as a habit broken and a new one begun. I just don't like it! In fact, there have been many days that I have not been able to meet that challenge.

I have been quite successful in the other 2 parts of my challenge. I have been mindful in my kitchen, trying to find the gumption to keep on cooking some great meals. There was one night when I was very busy and I made pizza (and no not the healthier version of pizza I sometimes make). However, we did have a yummy spinach salad with it! When I am mindful of what I am putting into my mouth, and consistent with yoga, I feel better. I feel healthy, I feel strong, and I feel on the right track.

Lastly, and what has turned out to be my favorite, is being mindful throughout my day, and taking one of the moments in my day to write about. My challenge was to find something beautiful in each day and write about it. I started out wanting to write just a small stone about it, a poem, something short. I wanted it this way because I thought if I kept it shortl, I would be able to keep up, not get overwhelmed and stay committed to the challenge. Instead though, I have been amazed with where this has taken me that I've written quite a bit about it. I want to share some of that here in this post and in some future posts.
 
Day One: Today, I was to be mindful of something and create words to go with it. I should have been looking for something, finding purpose in something beautiful to write about. But something else happened instead. I found beauty in something I heard.
Haley wanted to cook dinner tonight. She likes to make pasta with veggies, and so I told her she could. I suggested that while she chopped veggies, she could listen to her music on her iPod touch. I went to spread out on my bed for a few minutes, or rather warm myself under the covers. As I lay still, I could hear her music. I may have groaned a bit when I heard her choice in music, but the music was no longer what I heard. It was the chopping, the knife cutting through the vegetables, hitting the cutting board. Click, click, and click. Then when her board was full, I would hear the thunk of the veggies being thrown into the strainer. Although we were two rooms apart, I could see her in my mind, and I could see this growing girl, full of pride for what she was doing, she was preparing a meal for us. Here she was being mindful in the kitchen, taking care to chop up the veggies, stirring them as she sautéed. Here she was, an extension of my 40 day challenge, being mindful in the kitchen. Here she was my extension of me!

Day Two: Covered in red blotches, her skin was completely dry. To the touch, it felt like very fine sand paper, the finest there is, right below my hand. Then there it was the sagging skin, visible in the crook of the back of her knee, a spot free of dryness and full of tiny wrinkles. Those wrinkles, are beautiful to me, they are so small and intricate, upon skin so delicate in places and so rough in others. Those wrinkles, each one of them, telling my mom’s story in a whisper I can barely hear.

Day Three: She is sitting beside me the first time she cries. Because I don't know her, and because I can't remember the last time I saw an elderly person cry, I don't recognize it before it happens. I see her eyes behind her glasses scrunch up, her face screwed up in a way that is unrecognizable to me. Then her soft, old, wrinkled hands begin to shake as she searches for a Kleenex in her bag. I touched her then, placing my hand on her hand, running my hand soothingly up and down her arm, wanting to hug her.
When the tears came next, I was watching for them. Grief came upon her quickly, sadness filling her eyes, mixed with tears, her shaking hand reaching once again for her Kleenex. Once again, I soothed her with my hands, awkwardly wondering if I could reach my arm around her tall, narrow frame. I know she trusts me, feels a kindness from me and towards me. Later, after she was gone, I wondered if I had handled her sorrow the correct way. Then I reminded myself, sometimes it's not words we need, just a human touch, warmth and kindness.

It really is just moments in our life, that our memory holds onto. Some good, some loving, some sad and some hurtful. Every day, I have made a point to see something beautiful, be present, be mindful of something around me. You know what? It makes life that much more colorful!

I would love to hear from you! Have you given yourself a challenge this New Year? What is it, and how is it going??

Thanks for stopping by.

My Most Beautiful Thing

Today I’m taking part in the My Most Beautiful Thing Blogsplash to celebrate beautiful things – inspired by Fiona Robyn’s new novel, The Most Beautiful Thing. Bloggers from all over the world are taking part and writing or posting pictures of their most beautiful things today. Find out more here and see everyone else’s blog posts here.

For my sixteenth birthday, my brother gave me a cat.  Tess was white with a grey patch on her head and lucid green eyes. I took her from my house to my first apartment. It was in that same apartment that she gave birth to her babies. I did what the books said, put my own clothing on the floor for her, in the corner of my closet, dark and warm. She wouldn’t have it; she was determined to have those babies in my arms. She had those babies, each one, as I held her. It was nauseating and beautiful all at once.

  A while later, I was faced with a break up and wanted to leave town, and so I left for an adventure. Leaving her was really difficult.  I missed her something horrible when I was away. Being that I didn’t know how long I would stay in this new city, I went and got myself another cat. I named him Wylie. He was the opposite color of Tess; he was dark grey with a white belly.

Wylie stayed with me during my short stint in another city, sleeping curled around my neck, never leaving my side.  Getting him home was not an easy thing to do. I had no money and in the end, I trusted a cross country truck driver to bring him to my home city. He arrived before me, and was taken in by my family until I arrived home.

Wylie was with me for 18 years. In that time he was my friend, my comfort, and at times, the only constant I had in my life. It was a Sunday night that he slowly died in my arms. The next morning he could not move on his own, he could not close his eyes, he was struggling to breath. With an injection at the vet, Wylie was gone, and I felt like my heart was broken in two.

With Wylie gone, there was emptiness in me, and in my house that I hated. So I did what any pet lover would do, I went to save another cat! I ended up coming home with two, but it is one in particular that I want to tell you about.

His name was Harley. When I saw him, it was love at first sight. I did not want a white cat; I did not want a grey cat. He was the perfect color of soft caramel, creamy orange, and he was beautiful! His big amber eyes looked at me, he tilted his head, he played his cards right. I am sure he knew that he had just imprinted on me, and I was just as much his as he was mine.

At home, he did not want anything to do with me. He hid under my bed, he hissed at me, and with every call, I got his name wrong! On the third day, he emerged. He walked around, I told him his new name would be Harvey, and soon, we were fast friends!

Harvey is an indoor cat, but when someone goes to the door, he runs after them, and he lifts his paw, stretching it high above his head, imploring to go out.

In the morning, when I walk into the kitchen, he races off of my bed, rips past me, jumps first onto my kitchen stool and then leaps onto the counter in front of my window. He’s a hungry guy first thing in the morning.

When I am working downstairs, he jumps on my desk, he rubs everything he can reach, knocks over anything that does not have weight to it, listens to my reprimands for making a mess and wasting my time by having to pick up everything that he has knocked over. He chews any piece of plastic that I do not have covered; he walks on my keyboard and steps in my ink pads.

Harvey is my biggest distraction. Several times a day, I am taken aback by his handsomeness, his mischievous nature, his begging eyes that plead with me to come and snuggle him. I love the downy softness of his underbelly, the rumble that begins in his tummy and up to his throat and comes out in the form of a purr. I adore his cute caramel brown nose and his fur, a softness that I have never felt on any cat I have ever known.

Harvey offers an unconditional love, that every day, is my most beautiful thing!

Thanks for stopping by, enjoy your day.

Tannis 

Getting ready for a Blogsplash

On April 24th, I have been invited to partake in a Blog splash to celebrate and share, My Most Beautiful Thing.

This was inspired by Fiona Robyn's latest novel The Most Beautiful Thing, which I have downloaded and am still reading through. I have learned that I am slower at reading a book if it is online and not in my hands where I can pick it up, smell it, turn it's pages!

People from all parts of the world are going to come together, and share their words, and their photos of their most beautiful thing. I have been sitting with this idea, along with the idea of finding something beautiful every day, no matter how small. I know what I am going to write about  as my most beautiful thing, I am just waiting for the moment I am ready to get it out of my head and onto paper (then in type on my blog!)

The other night, I was witness to a very beautiful thing. The rain. The day had been quite dreary, and cool. With evening, came the rain. I loved opening my bedroom window, even if the breeze entering was cool. I have been longing to hear the pitter patter of the rain drops on my gazebo and see the water providing nourishment to my roses under my window and my garden. There are 3 nights each month that the moon shines through my bedroom window, if that night had been one of them, it would have been perfect!

All of the blogspash participants are listed here, if you are interested in participating, consider this your encouragement that you should do so! If you are not interested, please take some time today to consider, what is Your Most Beautiful Thing? Is it the sunshine on your face, the outstretched paws of your pooch greeting you at the end of the day? Maybe your most beautiful thing is the perfectly puckered lips of your baby, the new CD you just listened to, or the sound of your childs laughter. Tell me, what is your most beautiful thing? I hope that every day, we can find one thing that is beautiful, makes us pause for a moment, takes our breath away, or just makes us smile.

Have a great weekend, and thank you for stopping by!

Tannis